A letter from my heart to yours:
Dear Family and Friends,
Divorce hurts!
As I write today about divorce and the damage it causes, it makes me think of my aunt. I only have good memories of her. She brought joy and humor to all our family gatherings and I love her. Because she meant so much to me as a child, I have tried to keep her in my life as an adult.
When my aunt and uncle divorced forty years ago, it was because my uncle didn’t know the Lord and his ungodly choices and actions destroyed his marriage and family. When they divorced she and the children not only lost a husband and father, but they also lost their grandparents and extended family they had gained by the marriage.
His choices hurt everyone, but really damaged my aunt and the two children most.
Even though people let my aunt down, God never quit reaching out to help her find healing. He brought her a new husband who loves her, and her children and grandchildren and friends adore her, but the open wounds and scars of divorce still remain.
Why am I thinking about her today? When I write about divorce, I understand why God hates divorce. Remember He loves the divorced! Over the last years I’ve watched God reach out and restore my uncle first to himself and then to his children. He and his new wife (our dear friend) helped us start a church and I watched him be sorry for his past, come to trust in Christ, and then try to build a future. I watched him ask forgiveness and try to make restitution for his past. I’ve watched the Lord bring his daughter and son back into his life. I’m proud of him.
Before he died, I remember receiving a call from my aunt and hearing her say, “Last week he (my uncle) called me and asked me to forgive him.” I asked, “What did you tell him?” She said, “I told him ‘NO’ and hung up.” She paused and said, “But yesterday I looked up his number and called him back and told him I forgive him.” Just days later he died and we gathered together, not to remember the choices of his past, but the last years of his life when he was allowing the Lord to use him to bring healing.
The choices that lead us to divorce—when we break trust with God and our family—leave either open wounds or scars for a lifetime. But no matter our choices, the Lord chooses to keep offering to forgive and help us to be restored to those we’ve hurt.
Thanks for reading,
BEFOE YOU DIVORCE
Please don’t take a permanent solution to a temporary problem. Don’t rush into marriage, into having children, into the death of your marriage, or into taking your own life.
Divorce. It isn’t what God wanted. It’s not what you thought would ever happen, but now that it’s here, what can you do?
We talked again last night. Her husband has slipped out of fellowship with God, chosen to leave her, and has compromised his example to his family and friends. We talked about her scriptural right to divorce…and to go on with her life (Matt 5:32). We talked about her emotions. One moment she wanted to run after him and beg him to come home no matter what, and the next, she wanted nothing more to do with him because it just hurt too much! In those moments, she just wanted to get a divorce and get the terrible waiting over. She said, “Almost none of my friends are calling, I don’t know whether they don’t care or if they just don’t know what to say. BILL, WHAT SHOULD I DO?”
- If you are separated or are considering a divorce, read chapter
- If you are already divorced, keep reading! You’re not alone and there’s hope even in your circumstances.
HOW DOES GOD FEEL ABOUT DIVORCE?
God hates divorce. Malachi 2:16 says, “’I hate divorce’ says the Lord, the God of Israel.” He hates divorce because of the hurtful consequences of broken hearts, homes, and children. It hurts those He loves, often separating them from Himself and His eternal purpose for them. I have come to the conclusion that God hates divorce for ANY reason. It is a painful illustration of someone not trusting Him or not allowing Him to help them with their hurts. For that reason, anything short of the total commitment of the total person for the total life is a miscarriage of what God desires marriage to be.
HOW DOES GOD FEEL ABOUT ME?
One man sat in my office and said, “I’ve broken my promise to be faithful to my wife and we are now divorced. Do you think God still loves me?” He was so filled with guilt for his choices, broken promises and dreams, his immorality and divorce that he felt abandoned by God. Were his feelings true? Has his immorality and divorce separated him from God? If so, is that separation permanent? Is there any hope for him being restored to God and to his family? Even if his marriage is over and there is no possibility of restoration, can he marry again?
I believe sin, any sin separates us from God, ourselves, and others. I believe God loves even those condemned to hell, but unless they turn from their sin and accept God’s forgiveness and healing, their lives, families, and future will be filled with pain.
How does this affect those who divorce? I believe God hates divorce …. But loves the divorced people. I believe God hates divorce because it causes such pain to the people He loves.
DIVORCE RAISES SO MANY QUESTIONS:
*What damage will this divorce cause to my children? No matter who has the majority of the blame in your failed marriage, the death of love, trust, intimacy, and relationship leaves everyone wounded, but especially the children. You can’t control how they’ll handle their own pain or make decisions for their hearts, but you can model a healthy relationship with God. Let God heal you so your children can have at least one parent who shows them how Christians act and how God brings healing. The good news is that God can take our messes and make something beautiful…if we let Him. He’s in the business of using broken people to do great things for His kingdom. Divorce will hurt them, but they are not ruined. God has a plan for their lives too! Let me suggest you NOT start with trying to restore your relationship with your children, or those you’ve let down. Start with being restored to the Lord and as you heal, you may not be able to be restored as husband/wife or parent, but you can move from being the enemy to being a brother or sister in Christ. I know in my life, I fouled up being daddy, but God and my children’s forgiveness has given me a chance to be restored into their lives as dad, as friend, as brother in Christ.
- *What about how you deal with people who are critical of you?
Sometimes those we most need the help from, seem to let us down when we need their support the most. If you come from a family where few divorces have occurred, you may struggle even more. There may be someone in your life who wrongly believes that “if you only did right,” “followed God’s instruction,” “tried a little harder,” “loved them with the right kind of love,” “had gone to church,” or “had been a better Christian,” you would still be married. These aren’t bad things, but it takes two people trying to make a marriage thrive. Being around them may make it harder for you to heal. If you and your family are broken, please remember the only one you can make choices for is you … and you can choose to let the Lord heal and forgive you. God wants to use you to forgive and heal your broken relationships. I’ve learned to “listen” to everyone who wants to give me advice. Thank them for their love and concern, and the “do” what I believe God wants me to do. If you overreact to their counsel, you may be cutting off people you will need most in the future.
- Why are my friends ignoring me?
I’ve noticed that whenever there is a fight, friends and family often choose up sides. Some friends may encourage you to be bitter and blame your “ex” for all the problems. Some will encourage you to protect yourself and try to get as much of the “spoils of the marriage” as possible. Some friends will encourage you to start “looking for love in all the wrong places,” but most friends don’t know what to do or say. Many say and do nothing. I suggest you find someone who loves the Lord more than they love you … but who really wants God’s best in your life and ask him or her help you walk with God through this crisis.
- Am I a loser?
It’s easy to blame others for the first few broken relationships, but you may now be asking yourself, “Why do I keep choosing losers?” or concluding, “Maybe I’m the loser.”
If your life seems to be a series of hurts, let me suggest that hurt people form hurt relationships. If two hurt people are drawn to each other with the false hope that “Maybe this time,” “This is finally the one.” They will only be hurt again.
Can I suggest that you stop looking for “Mr. or Mrs. Right,” and let the Lord bring health and healing to you as a person? I would suggest that until you heal, and until you find someone who God is healing, you will only get hurt again. Stop where you are! Let the Lord heal you! Let the Lord help you discover what godly relationships are and then let Him be the matchmaker by bringing a vibrant and healed Christian into your life. I want you to understand that until there is forgiveness and healing for your own sins and healing and forgiveness for the sins of others, you will remain hurt. What you will bring into the next relationship is hurt not health, and you will form another broken relationship.
Please consider going back to the beginning of the book and start over as a person before you try to start over as a partner!
- Will I have to be alone the rest of my life?
If you have been asking other people whether you can ever remarry, you will be so confused by all the varied answers.
I remember a wonderful friend who had been married, separated, and then divorced from another dear friend of mine. I watched them both try to be healthy and have a healthy marriage, but all they did was create more and more hurt.
After more than 10 years of trying to restore his marriage he met and fell in love with a lovely Christian woman and wanted to be married again.
He sent letters to those he loved and respected and asked them to counsel him on whether he should remarry.
- Most of his friends didn’t know what to say, so they said nothing.
- Some of his friends quoted Scriptures that said he couldn’t remarry as long as she was alive or until she had committed adultery.
- A few of his friends asked him about his walk with the Lord and whether he was controlling his sexual desires … and if not, it would be better for him to marry than to burn.”
- Two of his friends said they would withdraw their friendship with him if he remarried.
What do we know?
God’s desire for us is to marry “until death do us part.” Moses “allowed” divorce and remarriage because the hardness of the Israelite’s hearts. They weren’t allowing the Lord to work in them to bring forgiveness and healing.
- We know that the death of our mate allows us to remarry.
- We know that if our mate commits “porneia,” which is Greek for any sexual sin, and breaks our covenant with God, we are free to marry.
- We know if we are married to a non-Christian, and he or she refuses to accept us as Christians and he or she leaves, abandons, forsakes us, we are “free to remarry, but only in the Lord.”
Confusing, isn’t it?
We know that all sin has consequences. Have you sought restoration of the broken marriage by forgiving and asking forgiveness? If restoration is not possible, are you asking God to love that person through you as a fellow Christian? If not as a Christian, as a neighbor? If not as a neighbor, as an enemy? Are you being used by the Lord to help the children or others in your life to also forgive? Are you asking the Lord to help you set appropriate boundaries?
HOW CAN YOU MOVE BEYOND THE HURTS?
What do you do now? Well if you are my kid, whether you or your mate were immoral, gave up too soon, or just couldn’t try anymore, you call me and I’ll come take you home. I don’t mean I’ll take you to my house (I might do that too), but I’ll be there to take you to your Heavenly Father. Your hurts and questions will go far beyond what I can “fix” or answer, but God is ready to begin the process of restoring your heart and your life. No matter who is innocent or guilty, everyone close to you will be hurt—everyone will need God’s help and healing.
I believe that divorce, like any sin, can be forgiven, but no matter who is at fault, no matter who quit, no matter the circumstances, there are consequences for every sin, and it seems with divorce, it will be the children who will pay the highest price for the decisions their parents make.
BEGIN THE PROCESS OF HEALING:
- Understand your own part of the problem. If your mate is 80% to blame, God still holds you 100% responsible for your 20%. You can’t make choices for your mate, but you can make choices for yourself. Ask the Lord to help you see your own part in your failed marriage. If He reveals sin in your life, take responsibility, humble yourself before God, and ask Him to forgive you. Commit to learning and growing so those mistakes won’t happen again.
- No matter the reason for the broken marriage, who wanted to quit, or how much pain you feel, don’t hide from God. The Lord is available to you. You are important to Him and you can trust Him to get you throughRead 1 Peter 2:19-25. Take your brokenness to the Lord and ask Him to help you. Maybe you need to ask God to help your belief become faith, and your fear to become trust. Commit your ways to the Lord and put your trust in Him (Isa 26:3).
- Understand that this crisis will damage you, but it need not take your spiritual and emotional life. One woman said, “It helped me to remember that in the end, I will have to stand before God by myself and give account for my actions. I won’t be blamed for others’ choices.” Once we get right before God, Jesus wants to restore us. If you struggle with hopelessness and depression, read chapters five and eight.
- It’s okay to hurt. Don’t try to stifle the pain and act “strong.” Statements like, “I’m glad my spouse is gone,” “I don’t miss him or her at all,” and “I really don’t care,” really tell others more about the quality of love you were not giving your spouse than about how well you’re adjusting to his or her absence or rejection.
- If your “heart is broken,” it doesn’t mean you are destroyed. One part of you is broken, but you are not worthless, unwanted, or ruined. If your marriage has ended, I hope you FEEL completely broken. But please take a look at your whole life. The sum total of “You” is not just your broken marriage. There is more to your life…more to “You!” Like someone with a rebellious child or a parent with dementia, you grieve the loss (or deterioration) of an important relationship. But “You” is made up of many relationships that God wants to use to help you.
- Let me illustrate: If your physical heart was diseased or had a blockage, the doctor would take the time to examine you thoroughly and then do whatever is necessary to protect your life and help you return to a happy, productive life. Take the time to examine your other relationships. Recognize their importance, and ask the Lord to help you strengthen the relationships that remain.
- Have you forgiven those who have wronged or abandoned you? Forgive them from your heart, and turn the one who hurt you over to the Lord for judgment. (Read chapter four for more on forgiving others).
- Is it YOU who failed? Have you forgiven yourself? Ask the Lord to forgive you and help you seek forgiveness and restoration from those you failed. Read chapter three if you need help forgiving yourself.
- Have you sought godly counsel? Be careful who you receive counsel from. Ungodly advice will encourage you to nurture bitterness, strike back, and take that person for all you can. Keep being faithful to the Lord, His Word, and His Church. Measure all counsel against the Scriptures.
- Remember that as long as there is life and Jesus, there is hope. Attend divorce recovery classes and read Christian books that relate to your circumstances. Get professional Christian counseling if you need it. Pursue any possibility of rebuilding your marriage. Don’t damage the possibility of your marriage being healed by starting to date.
EVEN IF EVERYONE IN YOUR WORLD LET’S YOU DOWN, YOU ARE NOT ALONE
If, for whatever reason, you feel alone, know that God is with you. Paul wrote in 2 Timothy 4:16-18, “The first time I was brought before the judge, no one was with me. Everyone had abandoned me. I hope it will not be counted against them. 17) But the Lord stood with me and gave me strength.” Jesus promises to His followers, in John 14:18, Jesus promises, “I will not leave you as orphans; I come to you.”
I’m sorry God’s best for you didn’t work out because of the choices your or those in your life have made. God still loves you and is waiting to help you through this crisis and to heal your hurts. He still can take broken lives and marriages and fix them. The question is, “Are we willing to let Him?”
God loves you and so do I.
Bill