A closing letter to my family and friends:
When I started “Life is Sure Confusing” I wanted to leave you a legacy of “golden nuggets” I’ve been given through the years. I wanted to be sure nothing got in the way of telling you how much I love you, but there is one more thing I want you to know. I’m really looking forward to meeting the Lord…face to face. I’ve seen Him by faith, but I’ve never seen Him with my eyes, heard Him with my ears, or touched Him with my hands.
Have you ever wished the Lord would step out of a picture or physically step out of the Bible and be real to you? Are there times in your relationship with Him when He seems more like an all-powerful creator who’s busy somewhere else? Has He seemed like a distant relative you visit once in a while but really don’t know? How many times have you prayed that He would be a Father to you, that somehow you could hear Him call your name, and that you could climb into his lap and feel safe? I understand.
When I was three-years old, my dad was serving in World War II, and my mom and I were living with my grandparents. I’m told that every night my mom would put me to bed and go downstairs and cry. Often, I’d want a drink of water and then I’d have to go to the bathroom. Finally, I would cry, and my mom would climb the stairs to find me holding the picture of my Daddy in his sailor suit. She’d enter the room and I’d sob, “I want Daddy to come out of the picture and kiss me goodnight.” Because my mom wanted the same thing, she would cry with me. Sometimes I feel that way about my Heavenly Father.
When the Lord calls me home, please let me go. Don’t hold on to me. Don’t try the medical miracles to keep me alive. If He calls me home, I can then be really alive for the first time in my life. It’s then that I’ll get to bow down before my Heavenly Father, hear His voice, look into His eyes and say, “Thank you. I love You!” I’ll get to see my grandparents, my mom, and others whose lives have been used to help me along my path. Before I meet my Bible heroes or see my precious friends who’ve reached heaven first, I want to sit down with my physical dad. Because all the reasons we couldn’t talk will be gone, and I’ll be able to say “I love you. I’m glad you were my dad.” I’ll get to hear him say the words I’ve longed to hear, “I love you too, Son, and I’m proud of you.”
There are two things I want you to always remember.
1. I love you.
2. I don’t want to go to heaven without you.
HOW I WANT MY LAST DAYS ON EARTH TO LOOK LIKE:
When I dream, I dream young man’s dreams. When I plan, I plan young man’s plans. But then I look in the mirror. There I stand in all my glory…white hair, bifocals. My body is the temple of the Holy Spirit; I just put a large fellowship hall in the middle. My teeth are mine; I bought and paid for them! When I look at my medicine box, I realize all those pills are probably what’s keeping me going. I take a pill for this and a pill for that and my medicine bill each month is like the national debt! In addition to that I have sleep apnea, and I sleep with a machine. But me old?
One day I sat down and thought about some of the most influential people in my life and their effect on the people around them. They inspired me. I’ve set my hope on someday becoming a general in the Lord’s army. Think about it:
THE GENERAL’S GREATEST BATTLE
(Quiet…don’t disturb him, the general is leading in battle.)
When he was young, the army of King Jesus gave the fresh recruit his armor, helmet, and a shining sword. The boy became a man with armor scarred by many battles. He learned to lead by following. With many battles fought and won, they made him a captain of warriors. His speeches rallied the people, his thoughts were quoted, and his name was mentioned with honor and respect. But he is no longer a Captain, he has been promoted to a general in the war!
His living place is now a small apartment. He has outlived most of those who cheered his name. This one-time giant now seems so small. His once powerful voice is now a whisper. His exploits have been forgotten by all but a few on this side of heaven. But wait! There is movement!
In the quiet of the night, in the middle of the morning or in the middle of the day…there it is! The general and his wife move to take down their armor. It’s so scarred with the marks of battle, but they lift their battered swords once again. They lead the young recruits, the warriors, the captains into battle as they pray.
- They know the fears of being new recruits who are unsure of how to fight.
- They know the warriors’ temptations to take credit for themselves.
- They know the burden of being captain in King Jesus’ army. They know how difficult it is to care for the army and still look to the needs of their own family.
- They have watched so many fall in the middle of the battle.
- They know the inner struggles and fears, the loneliness, and the sleepless night’s leaders in the Lord’s army face. And so they pray. And when they pray, they fight their greatest battles and win their greatest victories.
(Quiet now … Listen!)
The general and his wife are about to mention your name and mine to King Jesus!
-Written by Bill Putman when thinking of:
Fred and Carol Masteller, Dean and Sue Pense, Dick and Cay Ewing, Willie and Doris White, Elton Petrie, ,and Walt and Helen Harris.
I have been a young recruit.
When I enlisted to fight, my Commander-in-Chief Jesus,suited me with armor. He gave me the Bible, the Sword of the Spirit. King Jesus gave me the mission to rescue the perishing, to care for the dying, and to set the captive free. As I enlisted to fight, I enlisted in a war from which there can be no truce and no compromise with the enemy. As a young recruit I promised to pay any price, to go any place to engage the enemy, to pick up the fallen, to swing my weapon until my life breath was taken from my body and I fell in the middle of the battle. King Jesus gave me mentors to train me and to show me examples of what a Christian man and husband should be.
I have been a warrior.
As a young recruit, I yielded to the discipline, obeyed the commands and leapt into battle. My skills as a warrior increased and captives were freed, wounded were helped, and battles were won and lost. I have thrilled to join with other warriors and recruits to penetrate enemy lines, to build beachheads from which to set captives free. My years as a warrior bonded me to those who shared my passion and fought in the battles with me.
I have been a captain.
As I faithfully served as a warrior, I was given the responsibility of being a captain. As a captain, I have led warriors and recruits. I have been assigned the task of speaking to the warriors and encouraging the recruits. I have helped strategize to recapturing every nation, state, city, town, and every man, woman, boy, and girl…for King Jesus. The passion for participating in Jesus’ victory has consumed me. My years as a captain showed me the faithfulness of God to train me for service, to care for me when I was wounded, and to give me others to train.
I am now a trainer of leaders.
Two years ago I was called to work alongside our oldest child in a growing ministry. My ministry now is to be a mentor, a trainer of recruits, warriors, and captains. I miss leading into battle, but little by little, growing older is taking away my energy to do what my mind and heart still tell me I can do. In the not too distant future, my energy will fail, my abilities will dim with my eyesight or my hearing. It’s then, that I pray God will allow me to become a general.
Why do I want to live long enough to become a spiritual general?
I’ve noticed in my life that the new recruits take my time, warriors thrill my heart, and captains challenge my commitment, but it’s been the few spiritual generals I’ve known who have had the greatest effect upon my life. These generals have been close enough to God to mention my name in prayer, and be close enough to me to give me godly counsel.
Sometimes I look back and long for the excitement of the battle and wish I were young again. Sometimes I am restless and discontented with my role of mentor and trainer. Sometimes I am almost jealous of the captains who lead and speak. But when I get quiet before the Lord, and I look at those who have had the most lasting effect upon my life, I look forward to the day when I’ll be promoted to general!
How do people become generals?
You can’t become a general without being a recruit. You can’t know the needs of the warriors and captains without having been in the middle of the battle. Generals become qualified for the job when all their personal resources are gone and they have to totally depend on the Lord.
How will you know when you are ready to be a general?
- When your energy is failing and your recollection of the day you were recruited is but a distant memory, but you pray faithfully for the Lord’s recruits.
- When your warrior days are long gone and, even though you feel a bit disconnected from the battlefield, you pray faithfully for the Lord’s soldiers.
- When, no longer able to carry the pressures and burdens of a captain—leading the army into the battle, seeking to destroy strongholds, standing against false arguments, pulling down obstacles, and taking every thought captive—you still stand to cheer for the warriors and pray for them faithfully.
- When experience and age make you more effective in the classroom than the battlefield, training up the leaders of tomorrow…and you continue to pray.
- When poor health slows you down, but now, with fewer distractions, you have time to put an arm around the young warrior, pick up the wounded, and grow closer to the Lord through prayer.
- When the number of your birthdays or the medicines you take limit the ways you can share with your wife, but together you are young again when you take down your armor and pray for all the young soldiers of the King.
- When your mate no longer remembers you, or disease has stolen his or her strength, but together, with nothing else to offer, you give the Lord your faithfulness and pray.
- When your mate dies or your world becomes silent with the shroud of deafness, or darkened by blindness and you continue to pray.
- When you are weak, old, and alone, but still with your heart in the battlefield, you pray.
- When you are dying, and you ask the Lord only for the strength to say one last goodbye to your children and grandchildren before at last you pass with the triumphant shout of “JESUS!” on your lips.
…It’s then you are ready to be a general.
THE KEY: “DON’T GIVE UP…LOOK UP!”
If the battle of your life is longer than you expected, don’t be one of those who waste his nights and days with regret. Set in your mind the hope that after your ability to do or say is gone, you will be given the high privilege of being one of the generals in the Lord’s Army—spending your last days and last breaths lifting up the names and needs of God’s people to Him in prayer. To the blind eye, you may appear useless, but what is more powerful than prayer?
Consider the apostle Paul in Philippians 1:12-26. He was imprisoned, facing the uncertainty of life and death. People had pushed him out of leadership and were taking his place. He faced tremendous inner conflict. He had come to the place where it would be better for him to die and be with Jesus; he was locked away, removed from active ministry, limited in his ability to preach, and unable to mentor. He wanted to pass on, to be with the Lord, but he also felt the need to stay and fight with His people. Paul determined to ask the Lord for strength to “stay on” and God used him in a mighty way—writing and praying!
Instead of “stepping down” from being the captain of the army, the leader of the battle and greatest missionary of all time, he could step up to become a great general through prayer!
MY HOPES AND DREAMS
My dad’s health broke at age 62 and he died at age 73. My grandfathers died at 87 and 93. What about me? Only the Lord knows. Will health issues limit my ministry or shorten my life? I don’t know, but I am dreaming dreams and making plans to still be ministering in some way when I’m 91. Why 91? I’m aiming for 91 because that’s how old I’ll be when my house is paid for. I’m aiming for 91 because at 63 there is still just too much of “myself,” “I,” “me,” “my,” and “mine” left. I still need weeded and matured.
I’m trusting and praying, that as the things I can do or think or manage are slowly taken away, and as I slowly spend more time with God than doing things for Him, my most important ministry will be just beginning…as I devote myself to prayer. I’m aiming at 91 because I can visualize myself as one of those few older people who have a joy in living and a love for children! I want to be an old man who is great to be around because he brings love and encouragement to others.
WHAT WILL MY FUTURE HOLD?
If I am in a wheel chair in the nursing home, I can roll myself into each room daily, “calling on my flock,” reminding them that Jesus loves them, and encouraging them that “the best is yet to come!” Even if my eyesight is gone, I can still quote Scripture to my little flock.
If my voice is gone, my family could make copies of my favorite Scriptures for me…to give away. If I’m stuck in my bed and cannot leave my room, I could still BE a sermon of kindness and patience to everyone who enters my room.
Think of it. No matter the past, the number of times we fell down or were wounded in the battle, or the limitations of our talent or health, when all the above has passed us by, we can still do the most important job in the Lord’s army. We can pray!
I want the last of my life to weed out human distractions so I can become like my friend, Willie White. From the nursing home that is now his solitary existence, deaf, bound to the bed or chair, no longer a recruit, a soldier, or a captain, he has become a general in the Lord’s army.
FACING THE END
I said to my son Jim some months ago, “I’m going to live long enough to be a burden to my children.” He jokingly replied, “Well, Dad, you can die any time then.” But seriously, when it is my turn to face the coming end of my life, I want my little bed to be a temple, not be a prison. I want my lingering life to be a blessing, not a burden. Though I am sure I will long to be with Jesus, may I determine, like Paul, to “press on” as long as He would have me stay. By faith and by the strength I know the Lord will offer me, I can picture myself laying in my bed taking down my battered armor, picking up the Sword of the Spirit, which is the Word of God, lifting you up to Jesus, and cheering you on in your battle.
CLOSING THOUGHTS
Most twenty-one-year-cold’s dreams don’t come true.
Going through some old papers I found a poem I’d written when I was just 21 years of age. I had just returned to the Lord and He had started reforming my dreams for my future. Before understanding my purpose for living, before finding Bobbi to share my life, before children, or any of the adventures of my life I wrote this poem.
THE BELLS OF HEAVEN RANG
In a room that was filled with glowing,
Of the sun burning the darkness away,
An old man lay quietly dying,
For his life was ending that day.
In his heart he could still remember
The joys that had filled his life;
Of the youthful days of laughing
And the blessings of children and wife.
He remembered joys of Christian living
And the blessings of serving the Lord;
Of the ones he’d helped to Jesus
And the treasures in Heaven he’d stored.
As the light there seemed to grow dimmer
And to him seemed to fade away
He knew he would soon see Jesus
And see Christ smile that day.
With the thrill of soon gaining glory
Yet with quavering voice he asked,
To hear softly ROCK OF AGES
For he knew his time was past.
With the triumph of going to heaven
Yet tearfully his loved ones sang
As his soul winged way to Jesus,
And the bells of heaven rang;
“Rock of ages, cleft for me,
Let me hid myself in Thee.”
Bill Putman June 1963
As I reread my poem written at age 21 I thought “I could be called to the Lord today and it’s all come true!”
What’s next in my adventure? Whether it is when I’m 63 or 91 and it’s my turn to go be with Jesus, my last breath here will become my first breath in heaven. I will then join with God’s people of all the ages and sing praises to our Savior and be prepared to shout with victory when you finally end your battle and get home in heaven.
Growing older but believing “the best is yet to come!”
Still wanting one more giant to fight and one more mountain to climb,
Thanks for reading,
Bill