A letter from my heart to yours:
Dear Friends and family
BEFORE WE MARRIED AND HAD CHILDREN
OUR EXPECTATIONS – Before we married we thought our marriage and home” would be a place where we would always be loved, admired, listened to, and respected. We thought our home would always be a place to run home to, a place of love and acceptance. That our home would not be just a house but a home … a place to flee to and not a place to flee from. A place where my wife and I would be partners and friends. We thought our children would come to us for answers and that we would always know how to counsel them. AND THEN WE WERE MARRIED … AND THEN WE HAD CHILDREN. Our dreams and answers turned to questions.
WRITTEN IN MY JOURNAL DURING A VERY DIFFICULT TIME:
WHY would anyone want to be a parent? WHY? When you don’t have any answers that work? When everything you think and do is criticized. When everything you do, someone else’s parent does it better, or can buy their children more, or allows their children to do it differently.
WHY? When every expression of love given to one child causes jealousy in the heart of another child. When you have to act like a parent in every situation and you really want to act like a brat. When you have to sacrifice your money, your time and energy to provide for your children … and they get to spend any money they have on themselves.
WHY? When no matter how much you do, how much you give, how much you sacrifice, it’s never enough, never what they really wanted or expected.
WHY? When they cry in the night with their fears or are depressed, you are expected to understand, to encourage, to reassure them, and who do you call on when you are afraid and need encouragement?
WHY? When you provide for presents and extras for your children and there is seldom a thank you, and certainly never a gift in return for you.
WHY? When everything you do … someone else’s parent, or teacher or friend has a better idea? When everything you say could have been said in a better way?
WHY? When you have to give up the things you want to do, to do the things that need to be done so you will have a healthy family, but no one ever notices what you are doing or what you have sacrificed.
WHY? When you take some desperately needed time for rest and recreation and someone resents the fact that you weren’t there when they needed you?
WHY? When you go to the children in their need, brokenness and failure, but you are strongly criticized for your own needs, brokenness and failures?
WHY? When conflicts breakout in the home, you have to be the one who seeks forgiveness, or forgives first, or is big enough “to put it behind you.”.
WHY? When you offer your love to your children but they want everyone else’s love but yours.
WRITTEN AFTER I TOOK MY EMPTY HEART TO THE LORD:
WHY? Because in the bearing and raising of children, we learn to love others just like God loves us. Because your children will see God’s love in you and may want to be like Him. Because some day, they may turn out to be your best friends and the love you gave them when they were young will come back doubled when you are old.
WHY? Because even if they never see or accept your love, Jesus, the one who loves you unconditionally and completely asked you to.
Thank you for reading this chapter.
Dad, Grandpa, Friend
WHAT TO DO ABOUT YOURSELF WHEN YOUR REBEL IS STILL RUNNING
I don’t know how you are handling your situation, but when our prodigals were still running, I was a bundle of contradictions. One moment I wanted them to come home, and the other moment I was afraid they would. One moment I was looking for more answers, things to try, and the next moment I wanted to resign and quit! Whether your rebel is a mate or a child, the ones left to rebuild wear themselves out trying to keep the rebel at home, fix what’s broken, or control the damage to themselves and the rest of the family. The result of our efforts looked more like a shipwreck than a home. Everyone was drowning.
SHIPWRECKED!
Most shipwrecked marriages and families I’ve known had been sailing fairly smoothly until a massive storm threw them off course and into the rocks. Life’s storms or tragedies come in all different forms. No matter the visible cause to your shipwreck, when you or those you love are at risk you want to do something!
Can you picture them floundering in the water, crying for help, afraid they are all going to drown?
I can remember the hurting husband in one broken relationship, the wounded wife in another and the struggling parents in yet another. How painful it was to watch their loved one crying out for “Someone—Anyone!” to help. They were good people who wanted so badly to help. When they pleaded with their mate or child, “Take my hand, I’ll help!” they were refused.
This week I sat with another shipwrecked husband. His marriage was sinking. One minute his reaction included angry threats and the next, he was ready to do anything to “fix” his marriage. Nevertheless, his desperate appeals to his wife fell on deaf ears. So, why is that?
I think it’s because the drowning family member looks over to their willing mate or parents, and realizes that they are drowning too! They are smart enough to know that if they reach out for the willing family member, they will all drown. And so, taking their eyes off of the willing family member, they search desperately for anything that might keep them afloat…if only for a while.
SURVIVING THE STORM
In the middle of a family disaster most people go through the process of denial, blaming others, and feeling numb.
- Some people try to survive by turning to alcohol, only to find the tragedy is still there when they sober up…and now they may have more problems.
- Some try to mask their pain with drugs, but again, the pain is still there when the effect of the drugs wear off.
- Some give in to depression. In their loss and grief over the broken relationships, they withdraw into themselves. They may ultimately consider taking their own lives.
- Some give themselves over to guilt. They dwell on what they wish they had or hadn’t done. They live their lives with the regret of “If I’d have only,” “I should have,” and “I could have.” They torment themselves with the absolute belief that if they had only been a better spouse, parent, son or daughter, sister, nephew, friend, preacher, policeman, teacher, etc.….this wouldn’t have happened. Somehow, we all feel like there is something more we should have done.
- Some live in constant fear, worry, and even nightmares because the tragedy is yet to be resolved. They don’t know how it will “turn out” and they don’t feel safe.
- Some obsess with finding an explanation for the rebellion. This search for answers from the past steals their future.
- Some are so overcome with hurt and anger that rage begins to control their lives.
- Some are plagued with doubt. Someone may say, “God will take care of the children and they will be OK,” but we think of other children who never came home.
- Some may become bitter and hardened. Someone might say, “I understand,” but bitterly we think, “No they don’t!”
- Some look for new relationships hoping to be rescued.
WHAT CAN WE DO TO HELP?
Some people, trying to help, make the mistake of giving pat or inadequate answers. Some may think they’re offering encouragement saying, ”God is in control,” but instead leave the hurt wondering, “Then why did He do this?” Some may try to help and say, “God cares.” But it rings hollow for those who are left wondering, “If He cares, why did He allow this to happen?” Some, looking at the broken family may assume, “They must have done something to deserve this,” and others will quickly think, “No matter what they did, no one deserves this!” Usually people don’t know what to do or say.
I have struggled too. What hope can I give this broken hearted husband? What help can I offer the wife of a rebel husband, or the parents of a rebel child? Better yet, what can we do while our rebel is still running? What can we do when our home is shipwrecked?
It seems to me that no matter whether it is a husband reaching out to his wife, a wife to her husband, or parents to their children, there are at least three choices they can make in their effort to keep from drowning themselves.
YOU CHOOSE
1. YOU CAN CHOOSE TO TAKE ALL THE BLAME:
Will you concentrate on the areas of failure in your life and feel like “It’s all my fault”? Will you become overwhelmed by your our own guilt, feel like you have to run after the rebel in your life and you become a doormat and a beggar? Whatever it takes to bring him or her back?
2. YOU CAN CHOOSE TO JUDGE:
Will you concentrate on their failures, concluding, “It’s all their fault”? Will you withdraw from them, becoming angry, demanding, critical, and defensive?
3. YOU CAN CHOOSE TO TRUST:
As I sat this morning with that wounded husband I tried to help him picture his family floundering in the water so that he would understand that his only hope was to personally cry out to the Lord for help. There’s not a lot he can control, but he can make decisions for himself. He can trust the Lord to get him to the shore, and with the Lord’s help be ready, when his rebel looks to him for help. He can prepare himself, with Jesus’ help, to throw the rebel a life preserver when he is finally ready.
GETTING READY
What will happen when your prodigal quits running and looks to you for help? Will you still be treading water, trying not to drown? Or will you be ready?
Bobbi and I, our family shipwrecked, clung to God and each other while the ship of our family was sinking. We determined no matter our feelings of guilt or anger, we wanted to look to the Lord and let Him rebuild us into a home for our children to come home to. I am grateful we had each other through those rough times. When one of us wanted to quit, the other looked to the Lord and helped the other to hold on.
Little by little we took the steps we needed to prepare ourselves and our homes. We asked the Lord and our family to forgive us for our past. We couldn’t go back and make it brand new, remove their memories of our failures, but we could ask the Lord to change our lives and begin to rebuild our hearts and home. We asked the Lord to help us heal and become a different family. If we had not healed as individuals and as a couple, our home would not have continued. There would not have been a home for our prodigals to come home to when they were ready! And when they wouldn’t let us rescue them, we asked the Lord to raise up other people to help rescue them.
Instead of just waiting for our rebels to come home, we decided to practice the new things we were learning, and we tried to help others keep from making the mistakes we had made. We had to re-learn how to love, forgive, and have healthier relationships so we would do a better job…if our prodigals came home. And they did!
GOD BRINGS HEALING
I’m so glad God gives us second and third and fiftieth opportunities to get it right. Take another look at how God REBUILDS relationships. How He can help you do a better job with the rest of your children, a new mate, your grandchildren, new friends, and other people’s children. Your own home may be rubble…but God wants to remove the rubble and rebuild a heart and a home to come home to!
As we look back to the shipwreck of our home and we see what God has done to bring healing, we are so grateful. For so many years we lived without much hope, just trying to be faithful. I wasn’t sure that we would ever see our hopes for a healthy home come true. I’m so glad that God forgives, restores, rebuilds, and allows us to start all over again. Our daughter Joni spent much of her first 28 years feeling nothing but hurt when she thought of our home. Step by step, healing and restoration has helped her replace the hurt memories of her childhood. For years I lived, almost without hope that she would see the changes God has made in our home so she could truly come home to our hearts. On our 35th anniversary she wrote to us and I could see that finally she saw, not just what we were, but what God is making us to be. She wrote:
A HOME FOR WAYWARD HEARTS
For twenty-eight years I watched my parents work and provide for our family. I’ve watched them struggle to put food on their table and clothing on children, provide medical and housing. They will never be able to retire, they do not own their own home.
Even with all they have been unable to provide for their children, or themselves, they are the richest people I’ve ever known. They trusted in their Lord to provide for them and they worked together to do His bidding. Hundreds of people have temporarily resided with my parents. Thousands of people have been fed. Their home and hearts have always been open to anyone who had need. They touched people’s lives in a way that few can. They befriended the friendless, provided hope for the hopeless.
Their home is a home for wayward hearts, hearts needing love, hope and joy. While living under my parent’s roof, they taught us to be unselfish giving people. They taught us to share our hearts and reach out to those around us. Their lives will be remembered by all who know them.
They do not leave a legacy behind them in dollars and cents. They leave behind them when they go, a legacy of love. A legacy of joy. Those who know them well, those who have found shelter for a time, those who found an open heart and an open door whenever needed will never forget them.
They followed their Lord, paid the price He asked, and looked only to the hour allowing God to provide for their needs. My father is ambitious to reach out to every community with a new church. Eager to help, my mother, blindly, it always seemed to me, trusted the Lord she loved to take care of her. Whenever they go from us, we will not forget the life they have led. Not always right, not perfect, but always growing, always teaching, and always respected. Last but not least, always an open door for the lonely, unloved, hopeless, faithless, friends. Always a home for any of us with wayward hearts.
Written by Joni Foreman
Her love for us and her forgiveness to us is helping her see what God is rebuilding us to be!
RIGHT THINKING
There were so many things that raced through my mind when my rebels were running. There were many nights when I lay awake trying to leave my burdens with the Lord. It was especially important to have “right thinking” as I asked the Lord to prepare my heart and home for the prodigal’s return—as I tried to recover from “the shipwreck.” John 14 is my favorite chapter of Scripture and has brought me a lot of peace and comfort…as well as “right thinking.”
When I am upset–
Verse 1) “Let not your heart be troubled…believe in God, believe also in Me.”
When I think about dying.
Verse 2) “In My Father’s house are many dwelling places, if it were not so I would have told you; for I go to prepare a place for you; 3) And if I go and prepare a place for you, I will come again, and receive you to Myself; that where I am, there you may be also.”
When I am confused about which way to go
Verse 6) “I am the Way.”
When I don’t know what is true and what is false
Verse 6) “I am the Truth.”
When I feel all shriveled up and dying
Verse 6) “I am the Life.”
When I struggle to believe
Verse 11) “Believe me because I said it!…Believe Me that I am in the Father and the Father is in Me.”
When my faith in words is gone
Verse 11) “Believe Me because I did it!…Believe on account of the works themselves.”
When I feel like my life will never amount to anything
Verse 12) “Truly, truly, I say to you, he who believes in Me, the works that I do shall he do also; greater works than these shall he do; because I go to the Father.”
When I need a reason beyond myself for my choices or actions
Verse 13) “Whatever you ask in My name, that will I do, that the Father may be glorified in the Son.”
When I get all caught up in doing things for Him instead of doing things with Him
Verse 15) “If you love Me, you will keep my commandments.”
When I am running on empty and feel powerless to go on
Verse 16) “And I will ask the Father, and He will give you another Helper that He may be with you forever; 17) that is the Spirit of truth, whom the world cannot receive, because it does not behold Him or know Him, but you know Him because He abides with you, and will be in you.”
When I feel alone, like an orphan
Verse 18) “I will not leave you as orphans; I will come to you.”
When I feel like He is far away
Verse 21) “He who has My commandments and keeps them; he it is who loves Me; and he who loves Me shall be loved by My Father, and I will love him, and will disclose myself to Him.”
When I want Him to live with me
Verse 23) Jesus answered and said to him, “If anyone loves Me he will keep My word; and My Father will love him and We will come to him, and make Our abode with him.”
When I’m not sure who is my true friend
Verse 24) He who does not love Me does not keep My words; and the word which you hear is not Mine, but the Father who sent Me.”
When my load is too heavy
Verse 26) “A Helper, the Holy Spirit, whom the Father will send in my Name.”
When I can’t remember
Verse 26) “He will teach you all things and bring to your remembrance all that I said to you.”
When I feel trouble inside of me or around me
“Peace I leave with you, My peace I give to you; not as the world gives do I give to you. Let not your heart be troubled, nor let it be fearful.”
Are you shipwrecked? Look up!
Bill