Dear Family and Friends,
Have things happened in your life that you just can’t leave behind? Forget? Ignore? For me, those terrible memories are more like a snapshot than a moving picture. Snapshots stay frozen in time, but moving pictures move from one scene to the next.
In my life, one snapshot was held in the secret place of my mind. Because I kept it alive by remembering it, by feeding it my hate and fear, I couldn’t—or wouldn’t—go on in my life! Because I couldn’t forgive someone else, or turn them over to God for judgment, I had a hard time feeling forgiven myself for the bad choices I had made in my own life. Sin freezes us in the past; God’s grace lets us move into the future.
What was that snapshot? From the time I was a small child until I was nearly 40 years old, I kept an ugly secret from everyone. I had been molested.
I wish I had told my parents, but I didn’t. I wish I had told my Grandpa, or someone, but I didn’t. I wish I had known how to turn the man over to the Lord for judgment, but I didn’t. When you keep secrets, they are like an infection that can make you sick and even cause you to die.
I wanted to tell you how the Lord has helped me to learn to forgive myself and others—and start becoming a healthy person.
Thanks for reading.
HOW DO YOU FORGIVE THINGS THAT ARE HUMANLY UNFORGIVABLE
From my journal:
“THE MAN WHO MOLESTED ME 36 YEARS AGO WALKED INTO THE ROOM AND I FELT TEN YEARS OLD ALL OVER AGAIN. I FELT CHILLS. I ALMOST VOMITED.”
Have hurts come into your life that you have had trouble forgiving?
Do those hurts in the past still hurt so much that you can’t or won’t forgive them?
I understand.
Were you abused as a child? Abandoned by a parent? Raped? Was your mate unfaithful? Was someone you loved murdered? Did someone introduce your child to drugs? Were you “laid off” after years of faithful service and then stripped of your retirement? Did a drunken driver cause an accident and take a loved one’s life?
Do you understand with your head what you are supposed to do, but you can’t or refuse to forgive them from your heart?
For me, forgiving others isn’t easy. It’s not just difficult, and unless the Lord helps me, it’s impossible!
I don’t know how you are doing in your life, but for me, there is no area of my life where I need more help from the Lord than in the area of forgiving. I just can’t do it by myself. I’ve tried! I’ve tried to ignore the pain, tried to forget the memories, tried to keep myself so busy that I can’t think. Thousands of times I have said the words, “I can’t forgive!” Another thousand times I’ve said, “I won’t forgive them.” I’ve listened to my culture and blamed my past and present problems on those who hurt me.
Since I’ve become a Christian, I’ve learned that I’m supposed to forgive. So, another thousand times I’ve said the words, “I forgive,” only to take the forgiveness back in order to feed my bitterness or to use the pain as an excuse for my own sin. It’s easier to preach or teach about forgiveness than to practice it.
I love the part of my Christian life where I get forgiven! When God forgives me, He totally cancels my debt. He “gives me what I need, not what I deserve!” He writes across the debt I owe Him, “Debt Cancelled!” He grants me, one who should be condemned, “a full pardon.” When it comes to my sin, I want forgiveness from God, my mate, and children. When God adds up my sin, I want Him to add it up with Heaven’s addition:
The problem for me isn’t wanting to receive God’s forgiveness; my problem is being able to forgive those who have hurt me. In fact, sometimes I don’t even want to WANT to forgive them! Even though I want God to give me what I need, not what I deserve, there are times I want God to give others what they deserve!
Let me share with you how the Lord helped me with my struggle to forgive. I hope it brings you encourage you in your personal struggle.
My story:
I was fifty-six-years old. I was standing to teach a Bible lesson on forgiving others, (God sure has a sense of humor), and in “he” walked. I couldn’t believe that it was him! It was the man who molested me 46 years before and I felt ten-years old all over again. I felt chills and almost vomited. I began to shake, remembering how a once happy child became a boy with a crippled heart, who became a man with a crippled life.
I managed to finish the lesson, and I was grateful that he slipped away before I had to talk to him. I couldn’t believe it, it was really him!
It was a long week. Forty six years after he molested me, I was being confronted, not just with the molester and all the memories, but with ME! It was no longer what he could do to me, but what I would do with myself.
Let me share with you from my journal.
“Lord, what do you want me to do? With my head I know that no matter what others have done to me, You want me to be whole and healthy. I know that I can only go forward if I’m able to forgive this man all over again…but Lord, the emotions I’m feeling, I’m not sure I could forgive him even if I wanted to. Lord, please help me get my feelings and memories back into Your hands and under Your control.”
During the week God was at work in my heart and I reviewed what He says about being forgiven and being forgiving. We have all experienced hurtful situations. We are all called to forgive those who have hurt us. Sometimes we don’t want to. When you have thoughts like these, remember what God’s word says.
”Lord, what you teach about forgiveness is really hard to accept and harder to practice.”
– Matthew 6:12, 14-15. (NLT) 12) “And forgive us our sins, just as we have forgiven those who have sinned against us.” 14) “If you forgive those who sin against you, your heavenly Father will forgive you. 15) But if you refuse to forgive others, your Father will not forgive your sins.”
-Luke 6:27-38 .(NLT) Especially 38) “If you forgive others, you will be forgiven. If you give, you will receive. Your gift will return to you in full measure, pressed down, shaken together to make room for more, and running over. Whatever measure you use in giving – large or small – it will be used to measure what is given back to you.”
My Prayer:
”Lord, it’s easy to say the words ‘I forgive’, but it’s so hard to really mean them. I’ve said ‘I forgive’ him thousands of times, but unless You help me with my heart, I won’t truly forgive him”.
–Matthew 18:21-35. Especially vs. 35) “So shall My Heavenly Father also do to you if each of you does not forgive his brother from your heart.”
I often want to forgive ONLY IF!”
-If she says she’s sorry first.
- If he asks me to forgive him.
- If he hasn’t done this to others.
- If she has truly changed
- If she promises to change her behavior.
- If he turns himself into the police.
- IF AND ONLY THEN will I forgive.
–Luke 17:3-5. (NLT)”I am warning you! If another believer sins, rebuke him; then if he repents, forgive him. Even if he wrongs you seven times a day and each time returns and asks forgiveness, forgive him.”
My Prayer:
“Lord, unless you change my heart and give me the ability to forgive, I not only can’t forgive him, I won’t! Lord, that old hate for him returned again. Please help me! I don’t want him as a brother, friend, or neighbor! I don’t want to run into him at church!”
– I John 4:20) “If someone says ‘I love God’ and hates his brother, he is a liar, for the one who does not love his brother whom he has seen, cannot love God whom he has not seen.”
What I faced was
As I fought the battle inside of me to forgive, the Lord kept convicting me of my sin, His own righteousness, and His coming judgment of sinners. (John 16:7-8). I wanted to give that man what he deserved rather than what he needed. But then I thought, “What if the Lord gave me what I deserved rather than what I needed?” I had said the words “I forgive him” thousands of times and yet I couldn’t forget what he’d done… Then I remembered that forgiving does not remove the act from my memory.
Forgiving is NOT forgetting!
We never forget; we simply choose to turn them over to the Lord for His judgment of their sin, and we move forward again with our lives. I continued to think, “If I forgive him he will get away with it!” But I knew that wasn’t true. Forgiveness allows me to turn him over to God for punishment. It’s no longer my responsibility to hate him or punish him. I needed to remember that he could fool me, but he can never fool God. God will know just how to judge him.
I thought, “But I don’t FEEL like forgiving!”…And then I remembered that forgiveness isn’t a feeling. It’s a decision, a choice. I argued, “I’m tired of this! How often do I have to forgive?” But I knew that I would have to choose to forgive EVERY TIME I remembered for the rest of my life.
Finally I had to face the ramifications of forgiving him. I thought, “If I forgive, am I going to have to let him back into my life? Does forgiveness mean giving him a second chance to hurt me, my children, grandchildren, or my church?”
Then I remembered that love and forgiveness are given unconditionally, but trust is earned. I remembered:
- I cannot include as my brother those God has not included, and I cannot exclude from my family those God has included.
- Forgiving the person who wronged me may or may not include letting him or her back into my life. I do not have to place that person in a position to hurt my family or church.
- There are sins that, unless repented of, God says eliminates people from Him and from His church.
Note those God excludes (1 Corinthians 5:9-13. 1 Corinthians 6:9-10).
Note those God includes (1 Corinthians 6:11).
Note those I am to withdraw friendship or fellowship with (2 John 7-11).
Back to my story:
From my journal: Morning, August 21. “I am fifty-six -years old. The man who molested me when I was just ten-years old attended Bible study last week. He had changed his name, but it was him. I knew if I ever saw him again I would have to confront him and so I’ve prayed, looked at God’s Word, talked to Bobbi and my mentors, and prayed some more. I then shared my conclusions with the key leaders of the church. I knew that facing him would be difficult and I would need their love and support. “
Evening, August 21.
“He attended again tonight and I insisted that he meet with me privately. With my wife and the leaders watching from a distance, I walked up to him and said, ‘I need to see you in private.’ I then led him to the end of the hall. I had thought about it for 46 years. I’d prayed about it for 25 years. ‘What does the Lord want me to feel? What does God want me to say?’
Arriving at the end of the hall I said, ‘I have needed to talk to you ever since you molested me when I was a small boy. I need you to know how your selfish action affected my total life and how it took away my childhood.’ He looked shocked at my words. I said, ‘The morning after you molested me, I went down stairs in my uncle’s home, and my parents and aunt and uncle were laughing. In my childish and confused emotional condition, I thought they knew what you had done and were laughing about it. In that moment, the Bill Putman that had existed died.’ I went on to tell him, ‘I’d been a happy kid before that. I had accepted the Lord and I’d wanted to be a minister. But in that one terrible experience, I no longer trusted God because He knew what you had done to me and didn’t stop you. At that moment I thought my parents knew so I couldn’t trust them to protect me. I thought because you and my uncle were ministers, I could no longer trust the church.’
I went on to explain to him that from that moment I stepped away from my faith, my family and I began to wonder, ‘Am I a homosexual? What did that man see in my life that he would do that to me? God must not care about me.’
I continued, ‘Your act upon my life started me down a path that nearly killed me.’ I went on to tell him how I started searching for who I am, and I fell into pornography, promiscuity, and deceit. I explained how I withdrew into myself and away from my family, failed in school, and how I finally came to the place of trying to kill myself. I paused, and he said nothing. I said, ‘What you did to me killed me…killed the person I was. I have grown to realize I can’t blame you for the many bad decisions I made after that, but your act upon me set me up for failure and took away my innocence and childhood.’
He said, ‘I don’t remember doing that.’
I quietly said, ‘That’s a lie.’
He said, ‘I didn’t know what I did would have that effect upon you.’
I said, ‘That too is a lie. You knew what you were doing was wrong and a sin, and in your selfishness, you choose to do it anyway.’ I said, ‘Have you molested others?’ He said nothing. I took a deep breath and said, ‘I have been rescued by the Lord, but I wonder how many other children that you sinned against took their lives or will go to hell because of what you have done.’ Not looking me in the eye he said, ‘Will you forgive me?’
I said, ‘I forgave you many years ago and thousands of times since. In order to survive I turned you over to the Lord for judgment. I know that Satan used you. I don’t hate you or want you to go to hell, but I do know that unless you gain forgiveness from the Lord, and unless you have repented and changed your behavior, you will go to hell.’ I said, ‘What is your present relationship to the Lord?’
He said, ‘I’m trying.’
I said, ‘Are you still in the homosexual lifestyle?’ He didn’t answer, but just looked at the floor. I said, ‘Will you let me pray with you?’
He said, ’Yes.’
With great difficulty I put my hand on his shoulder and prayed, ‘Lord, thank you for being with me through all the pain of my childhood. Thank you for forgiving me for the terrible choices that I’ve made.’ I took a deep breath and said, ‘Father I don’t want this man to go to hell. Would you please help him truly repent for his sins and let you forgive him and change him. Father, I would like him to be in heaven.’
When I finished praying I said, ‘I have forgiven you, but as the minister of the church, I don’t trust you. Unless you have truly repented, and are ready to change your behavior, I cannot have you attend this church again.’ He said nothing. I asked him to turn around and look down the hallway. I said, ‘Those men are the leaders of this church, and I have told them what you did to me and what I’m saying to you.’ He said nothing. I told him, if he truly wanted to be right with God, that I thought God would help me and the leaders of this church to help restore him. I concluded by saying he could attend this church only IF he had truly repented and would accept help and counsel in being restored to God. He said nothing and left.”
I returned to my wife and the leaders absolutely exhausted. Bobbi and God held onto me tightly that night.
From my journal two days later.
“Lord, thank You for helping me. In my flesh, one minute I wanted to run from that man and in the next minute I wanted to beat him to within an inch of his life. Thank You for lessening the hurt and hate and giving me pity for him. Lord, only You know the ways Satan used that man to hurt me and try to end my life and hopes. Lord, only You know the others he has hurt, but I thank You for being with me all those years and for helping me face the manwho started me down an ugly path to self-destruction. I love You Lord”. “
Seven years later:
As I work on this chapter today, I’m amazed how seldom I’m haunted by the memories of what that man did to me. It still slips out of my memory when I hear about another being molested, and I have to go to the Lord and ask for help in forgiving him all over again.
As a dad and pastor, I’ve concluded that if the man has true repentance and a tremendous change in his life, he can be forgiven, but I also believe that his choices in the past may eliminate or certainly severely restrict him from ever being around children. If he is fully restored to God, he could become a part of our spiritual family, but trust would have to be earned over time and he would always be watched, held accountable, and made to accept long term counseling.
Pray for me. I want to be forgiving but at other times I just “want to want to forgive”.
Until I’m forgiven, I can’t forgive. When I’m forgiven, I have God’s help to forgive!
TRUTHS TO HOLD ON TO:
- Only when we have God’s forgiveness for our own sins and His help, can we forgive others. Forgiveness is not easy. It’s not just difficult, without God it’s down right impossible! I can’t give away what I don’t have. I can’t truly forgive anyone until I’m truly forgiven.
- Forgiveness is a choice. We are commanded to forgive, but it is a conscious act of our will, not something we usually feel like doing.
- I need God’s forgiveness every time I sin, and I need God’s help in forgiving those who have sinned against me. Forgiveness must take place moment by moment, day by day.
- Forgiveness doesn’t mean forgetting. We often remember the hurt and at times feel the hurts. We must choose to forgive EVERY TIME we remember, or we become a victim all over again.
- Forgiveness is a lifelong process. The deeper the wound, the longer the denial, the more you hate the person who hurt you, the longer the process of forgiveness will take.
- My forgiving them doesn’t erase their consequences. Everyone affected by the sin will have consequences, memories, and fears to deal with. I can forgive and turn them over to God for judgment but everyone hurt will have to live with the consequences the sin brings.
Thanks for reading this painful chapter.
Bill