A letter from my heart to yours:
It’s amazing how learning you are going to be a dad makes a change in your thinking and focus:
When Jim and then Melissa were born I still thought I knew what to do as a parent. I remember thinking, “Now it’s my turn … I’m going to do better than my dad” but I didn’t.
When Joni was born I thought “I can see I’m doing some things better than my dad, but I am starting to fail”
When Angela was born I thought “Four of them? I’m overwhelmed with three! How did my dad do as well as he did?”
When Melody was born, the fifth child in six and one half years, I thought, “How can this be happening? I’m failing as a person, a husband and as a father and now there are five? No wonder my dad shut down emotionally and started to withdraw!”
I regret the years I looked at my physical father and tried to be a better parent than he was. In fact, the older I am the more I’m like him. I look in the mirror and see him; when I face difficult times I have the same depression he faced; I face the same kinds of health issues he faced.
As I look back on my whole parenting experience I realize I had my eyes on the wrong dad. I’m not supposed to do better, or as well as my physical dad. I need to get my eyes on my Heavenly Dad and act like Him.
IF YOU GIVE YOURSELF THE WRONG JOB DESCRIPTION AS A PARENT IT WILL BREAK YOUR HEART!
One of my children said the other day, “Dad, I don’t know what to do with my teenager.” In that moment I was flooded with my own memories of how I had let him down when he was that age and all I could say was, “I don’t know what to tell you..” Later that day I e-mailed him and said, “I’ve been praying for you, and I do know what to suggest to you. You are a much better parent than I was and your son is a better kid than you were. Just keep doing what you are doing. If your grandma was here she would probably say to you what she said many times to me. ‘He will be alright. He has a good heart.’”
What can you do when your babies turn into teenagers?
Have they grown into adult bodies but still act like children? Maybe they used to want to spend time with you and do what you thought was best, but now they don’t want you around, don’t listen, and question everything you say.
Maybe you’re wondering what you did wrong. Maybe you’ve found yourself, more than once, lying awake at night, doubting yourself. “Am I being a good enough parent? Do my children see Christ in me? Am I demonstrating a faith they’ll want for themselves? Do they really know the Lord, or do they just know about Him?”
WATCH OUT FOR THE TRAP!
If you are not careful, you will find yourself trapped into the false belief that if YOU are a good enough parent, YOU will be able to save your children. If you try harder, read more, are more consistent…your children will certainly become Christians. Maybe you’ve read and claimed Proverbs 22:6 for yourself:
-“Train up a child in the way he should go, even when he is old he will not depart from it.” (NASV)
When you look at your family and the families around you, are you confused? I sure was. I was puzzled because I saw others who hadn’t raised their children in church, or who hadn’t tried half as hard as me to be a good parent, and produced great children. Yet I was REALLY struggling with my children. I couldn’t figure it out. What was wrong? Had God misled me and not kept His promise?
I know a dear minister’s wife who raised her children in a Christian home, but her oldest child, who is sixty-seven-years old, is still not saved. She said to me, “Well, I still have hope. You know what the Scripture says, ‘Raise up a child in the way he should go, and when he is old he will not depart from it.’” There it is again, like a “guarantee.” Or is it? Shouldn’t she be able to find comfort in knowing that since she raised him in a Christian home and in a church, he will absolutely become a Christian? Does the Scripture really promise that if we raise them properly, in spite of their free will and our parenting imperfections, our children really have no choice but to come back to those teachings when they are old? ”IF WE DO…THEY ABSOLUTELY WILL?” If we don’t look closer, we can fall into a heartbreaking trap.
A CLOSER LOOK AT GOD’S PROMISE
If I really want to “claim this promise,” I have to keep the commands…perfectly. So let’s look at what “raise up a child in the way he should go” really means.
-Deuteronomy 6:4 “The Lord our God, the Lord is one. Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your strength. These commandments that I give you today are to be upon your hearts. Impress them on your children. Talk about them when you sit at home and when you walk along the road, when you lie down and when you get up. Tie them as symbols on your hands and bind them on your foreheads. Write them on the door frames of your houses and on your gates.”
Look at the context of these commands. Beginning in Deuteronomy 6:2, I am instructed:
- to observe, obey, and keep these commands,
- to keep them upon my heart, not just on my walls or in my mouth,
- to let no person or thing take God’s place because there is no other god, to love God with all my heart soul and strength,
- to impress God’s commands on my children, teaching them when:
-we sit at home
-we walk along the road
-we go to sleep and when we wake up
- to wear His teachings on my hands and forehead and place them on the walls of my home.
ONLY IF I KEEP THE COMMANDS, I CAN CLAIM THE PROMISES.
REALITY CHECK
How are you doing at “keeping the commands” so you can “claim the promises?” Maybe you’re thinking, “I’ve loved the Lord, with most of my heart, soul, and strength. I’ve taught my children…a lot!” Maybe you’ve tried really hard, have kept most of these commands, most of the time. Or maybe you have to confess, “I haven’t kept the commands at all … is there any hope for me?”
I must have tried a thousand different methods of being a good parent and a “priest and shepherd” to my own family…and for a thousand different reasons, I failed. I never got up evenone morning and thought, “I think I’ll be a lousy dad today,” but often I was. The reality was, I did some of His commands, some of the time. As close as I came to following these commands, close isn’t good enough. I failed.
I don’t want God to bless me on how well I’ve kept the commands. I want forgiveness and help from God. I want Him to fill in the gaps in my parenting and save my children! I need His grace!
GOD’S GRACE
I remember going to the doctor because I was sick. (More sick of heart than of body). My hopes for being a good parent were crushed. Rebellion and conflict filled my home. As I sat in the doctor’s office, I picked up an old “Reader’s Digest” and read the story of a woman who wrote,
There in the waiting room of the doctor’s office I found the promise I needed! I have to confess I stole that page right out of that book and carried it with me for years!
I want you to remember this: If all my children are Christians today, it’s NOT because they had parents who were good enough or faithful enough. It’s not because we found a magic verse in Scripture, and we certainly didn’t do everything right. No, they are Christians today in spite of us and because of a faithful God who loves them and never gave up on them.
THE TRUTH
If your children could become Christians by your parenting, they wouldn’t need Jesus to be their savior. That doesn’t mean parents get to quit trying; the primary tools God uses are parents!
The test of your life and home will not be whether your children become Christians, but rather, if you loved, trusted, and obeyed the Lord yourself. The test of your children’s lives will be whether they listened to the truth and chose to love and obey the Lord themselves.
The children were never ours; they are on loan from the Lord. They are first His children. It was never “just up to us” to raise them. God uses parents, extended families, churches, friends, schools, policemen, and governments to raise children to maturity.
The bottom line is, when everything else fails, including us parents, God still loves our children…more than us! We cannot follow the commands perfectly, but His grace is perfect.
A PARENT’S JOB DESCRIPTION
So, if my job isn’t to raise Christian children, what is my job description?
ONE– MY JOB DESCRIPION INCLUDES BECOMING WHAT GOD DESIGNED ME TO AND RUNNING THE RACE HE HAS SET BEFORE ME.
I am to:
- Believe on
- Belong to
- Become like
- Behave like
- Bring people to
- Be forever with
TWO- MY JOB DESCRIPTION IS TO PARTNER WITH GOD IN HIS MISSION TO LEAD MY CHILDREN TO CHRIST.
If your child hears from you about Christ but doesn’t see Christ in your life they won’t what the kind of Christianity you are trying to give them. If your child knows ABOUT Jesus Christ, but doesn’t know Him as savior, the child will first reject Jesus, then you, and finally the other authorities in his life.
If your child doesn’t know Jesus Christ as Lord and Savior, there is really only one thing wrong with him….but because that one thing is wrong with him, not much will be right with him.
THREE- MY JOB DESCRIPTION INCLUDES SUBMITTING TO GOD’S LEADERSHIP OF MY LIFEAND HOME.
Unless God builds my life and family, they will fail.
–Psalm 127:1-5 “Unless the Lord builds the house, they labor in vain who build it. Unless the Lord guards the city (home, church, nation), the watchman keeps awake in vain. 2) It is vain for you to rise up early, to retire late, to eat the bread of painful labors, for He gives to His beloved even in his sleep. 3) Behold, children (godly children) are a gift from the Lord; the fruit of the womb is a reward. 4) Like arrows in the hand of a warrior (parent) are the children of one’s youth. 5) How blessed is the man whose quiver is full of them; they shall not be ashamed when they speak to their enemies in the gates.”
Without God working in and through us, our children may be more like well-sharpened knives that intentionally hurt us than like “arrows in a quiver.” We must let God lead, through the truths and wisdom revealed in the Scriptures, through the prompting of the Holy Spirit, through the help of godly wise counsel, and through constant prayer. We may be able to “build the house,” but only God can “build the home.”
FOUR- MY JOB DESCRIPTION INCLUDES BEING RESPONSIBLE TO GOD FOR MY CHILDREN FOR A LIMITED TIME.
As you read Hebrews 12:10 you will discover that God gives parents responsibility for their children for a “little while.”
It’s been hard for me to identify the limitations of my role as a parent. It’s also been difficult to step back and turn the responsibility for converting my children, for disciplining them, for no longer being the “answer man”, the one who rescues them from their problems to God. When they are young, God uses parents as the primary tool in their lives, but as they grow, our role changes from primary tool, to support tool. God takes over and finished the job in their lives.
- At what age is the responsibility of disciplining our children ended? Is it as long as they will let us be a tool in their lives? Is it as long as they live in our homes? Is it until they reach the legal age according to the law? I observe that when the people of Israel failed to trust God and enter into the Promised Land, God judged those who were 20 and older, but did not punish the children 0-19 for their parents’ decisions (Numbers 14:18).
- Does God hold me responsible for my grown children or am I responsible as a child for my parent’s decisions?
I’ve found comfort in the Lord’s instructions through Ezekiel to His people.
- Ezekiel 18:4-5– All of us belong to the Lord. It’s not my child, my family, my total responsibility.
- Ezekiel 18:10-13– A good man can have bad sons.
- Ezekiel 18:14-18– A bad man can have good sons.
- Ezekiel 18:21– God offers to restore any repentant rebel.
- Ezekiel 18:21-23– God’s will is restoration, but he gives every person the choice.
- Ezekiel 18:24-26– A righteous man can become a rebel from God and be judged.
- Ezekiel 18:27-28– A wicked man can turn away from his wicked ways and live.
- Ezekiel 18:29-30– God will judge us as individuals according to our life and deeds.
- Ezekiel 18:32- God takes no pleasure in judging sinners.
FIVE– MY JOB DESCRIPTION INCLUDES DOING THE BEST I KNOW HOW
- (Hebrews 12:10). This doesn’t mean I can remain ignorant of my responsibilities. I have been given God’s Word to instruct me. There are lots of godly parenting resources…including Christian parents who are older and wiser.
SOMETIMES WE HAVE TO “BEGIN AGAIN … AND AGAIN … AND AGAIN”
I remember when Bobbi and I recognized that our different views of parenting were allowing the children to “divide and conquer.”
- We took a few days away together to catch our breath and make a plan.
- Bobbi and I determined we would be partners with God and each other in seeing our home become what God wanted it to be.
- We determined to read together everything the Bible has to say about parenting and let the Lord be the one who set the boundaries for our parenting.
- Bobbi began reading books about parenting to me and we discussed our way through their advice.
- We made a list of the people we knew that were being successful parents and we determined to ask them, “If you were to be able to start over as parents, 1) what would you do the same, and, 2) What would you do different?”
- We determined to ask the Lord to help us identify the areas where we had failed and establish a new direction for our parenting.
- We called a family meeting and through tears and repentance, we asked their forgiveness for the areas where we had failed.
- We began to teach them what we were learning about what God wanted for our home.
Questions we tried to find the answers to:
- What do we do to heal the whole family after we are so broken?
- When something is broken, love and forgiveness give second chances, but only true repentance and disciplined changes in the parents will ultimately bring about real changes in the whole family.
- What do we do when we look at our children and we see the coming pressures and tests they will have to endure? It was about that time I discovered Song Of Solomon 8:8-10.
8)“We have a little sister, and she has no breasts; What shall we do for our sister on the day when she is spoken for? 9) If she is a wall, we shall build on her a battlement of silver; but if she is a door, we shall barricade her with planks of cedar. 10) I was a wall, and my breasts were like towers; then I became I his eyes as one who finds peace.” (NASV)
- What do you do when you look at your daughter, sister, granddaughter, or friend and you see her maturing into a young woman?
- What can you, as the responsible adult, do to help her be prepared to face the pressures of life, sexuality, peer pressure?
- What should you do for her if she is able to face the pressures and temptations successfully?
- What should you do if she is easily swayed by the words and pressures that surround her?
As I look back at my own parenting experience, I too often failed to act until there was a crisis and then I reacted. Looking back, I wish I had used this passage as a pattern for my own actions.
- Plan ahead, be prepared. Look at the present and future needs and pressures your children face. What shall we do when (fill in the blank)? You could have a date with your mate and role play the many possibilities your child will face. You would ask yourself, “What would the Lord want us to do or say in certain situations?
2. Don’t over react if one of your children fail. When one of the children failed, I overreacted and our daughter Joni wrote to me,“Dad, I know you are trying harder to be a better father, but sometimes it’s really difficult to understand. I’m trying to be the best I can because I feel that if I make one mistake everything you have worked for will go down the drain. But I don’t think the girls and I can go through the rest of our years at home feeling that you don’t trust us.”
What should we do for children who choose to do right? Solomon wrote, “If they are a wall, we shall build battlements of silver on her.” I understand this to mean that if they face the pressure or temptations like a wall, standing firm, not easily influenced, we should put them on display. Trust them, give them earned privileges.
- What should we do for children who make poor choices? Solomon wrote, “If they are a door (easily opened), we shall barricade her with planks of cedar.” When a child fails, love and forgiveness is to be given, but trust is to be earned. Immature children need protection, rules, limitations. If they fail, place “planks of cedar” fences around them so they can mature.
- Look forward to the day they mature and the fences can be lowered and finally removed. I remember when one of my children was going off to college in California. She said, “Daddy, you are worried about me, aren’t you?” I said, “Yes, there are so many pressures from being so far from home.” She reached out and hugged me and said, “It’s okay, Dad. I’m a wall.”
I’m so grateful that God has given me and all of you a chance to grow from infants through the teenage years where we needed fences to protect us and help us mature to the place where we can be strong walls. I’m proud of what God is doing in us and I can see Him working in each of my grandchildren.
- What do you do when you see rebellion in your small children? Let God’s Word establish the rules for the home and ask Him to help you keep the rules yourself and help you discipline the children. Be humble enough to seek counseling for yourself and for your family. Be willing to have the Lord send other people, family, friends, church leaders into the life of your child to help. If you see rebellion in the heart of your school age children begin to place fences around them and be willing to make the fences higher or lower depending on their behavior.
- What do you do if the fences don’t work and the teen keeps “jumping the fence”? Be willing to give appropriate punishment. Maybe you need to restrict their out-of-the-home contacts for a time. Or, think of this: a teenager wants to be left alone in his room. It’s there he can talk to his friends on the phone in private. It’s there he can get lost in his music or games or TV. What if you put up the fence of removing all privileges other than a mattress to sleep on and minimal food to eat? James Dobson’s son says, you don’t want to endure the Dobson Grounding. He has spoken of his parents removing EVERYTHING from his room except his mattress.
- What do you do if your child jumps the “fence” of your home and no longer is willing to let God establish what is right and wrong, and refuses the discipline of your home? The Bible gives us instructions for dealing with immorality, worshipping other gods, homosexuality, stealing, drunkards or drug users, or swindlers (1 Corinthians 6:9-10; 5:9-11).
NOTE THE PRINCIPLES:
- God holds the sinner responsible for his own sin.
- God doesn’t judge the righteous person for his family’s sin.
- No matter the condition of the relationships in your home, God can make it different!
- Remember, it’s not YOUR home, YOUR family. Remember it’s not all YOUR responsibility.
- Remember, God loves your family more than you do and He wants to help get your family back on track.
I’m glad the Lord is helping me learn to be a better dad than I was a daddy. Please remember, our lives, marriages, and homes will never be perfect till heaven.
Thanks for reading,
SOMETHING TO THINK ABOUT FROM HEBREWS 11-13:6.
- Are you believing in and trusting God to help you in your life and family?
-What questions do you have that need answers?
-Where will you look to find the answers? - Since you cannot teach what you do not know and you cannot lead where you will not go… do you have God’s goal for your life? (Hebrews 11:6, 16)
-How do you define “winning” “For me to live is _______.” - Discuss how life, marriage, and family are like a race.
- What things would you have to strip off or change in your life to bring pleasure to God?
- As you read Hebrews 12:1-11, please discuss or describe the race course that God has set before you (problems, difficulties, challenges).
- -As you read Hebrews 12:10-13:6, consider the practical instructions given to help you finish your race, fulfill your assignment, and keep your eyes on Jesus.