A Letter From my heart To You:

My own children were born to a dad and mom who really didn’t know how to parent. Talk about on-the-job training! Our five children were born in six years to immature parents. We not only didn’t know what we were doing, but honestly, often failed to do what we did know to do. We knew how to make babies, but we didn’t know how to make a home.

I don’t know whether my parents didn’t know how to share with me what they had learned along the way, or if I just wasn’t listening as a child and young man, but I entered marriage and fatherhood without a clue. As I look back, I remember my job description being more “worker” at the church and “crisis-manager” at home.  I know I haven’t shared very much with my own children—the good and bad I’ve learned in my life. I don’t want to leave you with a legacy of parenting mistakes, so I thought I’d share what the Lord has been teaching me so I could be a part of what the Lord is doing to rebuild us into a home that you could come home to.

The subject of this chapter? 

What do you do when you feel like a failure, guilty, and like you can’t do anything right? What do you do when you can’t live up to the expectations imposed on your life? 
Thanks for letting me share. 
Bill

WE’RE ALL GUILTY

A man walked into my office and said, “Bill, I feel so guilty.”
I asked him to tell me about his life and when he finished, I asked, “Do you know why you feel guilty?” “No” he said. I smiled and confided, “You feel guilty…because you are.”
He nodded and hung his head. “So what do I do now?”

How are you dealing with your feelings of guilt? Have the last few chapters of your story, your last days, weeks, months, or years been a tragedy? Do you need our hero Jesus to rescue you? Are you working hard to hide the mistakes you’ve made from everyone around you—even God? Let there be no doubt, God sees and knows everything and is recording all that we do, think, and say.

Revelation 20:11-15 “And I saw a great white throne, and I saw the one who was sitting on it. The earth and the sky fled from his presence, but they found no place to hide. 12) I saw the dead, both great and small, standing before God’s throne. And the books were opened, including the Book of Life. And the dead were judged according to the things written in the books, according to what they had done. 13) The sea gave up the dead in it, and death and the grave gave up the dead in them. They were all judged according to their deeds. 14) and death and the grave were thrown into the lake of fire. This is the second death – the lake of fire. 15) and anyone whose name was not found recorded in the Book of Life was thrown into the lake of fire.”

Hebrews 4:12 (NLT) “For the word of God is full of living power. It is sharper than the sharpest knife, cutting deep into our innermost thoughts and desire. It exposes us for what we really are. 13) Nothing in all creation can hide from him. Everything is naked and exposed before his eyes. This is the God to whom we must explain all that we have done.”

Are you afraid that your secrets will one day be exposed to everyone? Is your story a great adventure or has it become a tragedy? If your life became a movie, would you want to watch it? It’s a scary thought, isn’t it? I’ve thought of it this way. What if the story of my life were to be turned into a movie and shown to my family and friends?

“Now Showing: The REALLIFE of Bill Putman!”

The first third of my life I thought I was the star of my movie, but it turned out, I was just a supporting actor. I was no hero. In fact, looking back, I was the guy who was in constant trouble, needing to be rescued. I was the one the enemy kidnapped and abused. One minute I was afraid I’d die and the next, I was afraid I’d live! I desperately needed Jesus to come save me!

Let me begin by taking you to 1962, when I was 20 years old. I remember sitting on a rock in Santa Cruz, California, watching the ocean waves pound the shore where people played. My life was already a tragedy. All my dreams were shattered. I had flunked out of college, (again), became alienated from the people that meant most to me, and all I felt was hurt, loneliness, and hopelessness. I had finally come to the place where I just couldn’t run any more. I hated life and myself and felt like my only options were to either take my life or turn myself over to God to receive my well-deserved punishment. I felt like a guilty man, arrested and standing before the judge and a courtroom full of angry witnesses—all ready to condemn me.

Let me give you a picture of  how I felt:

“All rise!” The accused looks up to see the judge enter the courtroom. All are seated. With his head bowed, the accused hears his name announced and then the prosecutor carefully reads his many offenses…and the list of angry witnesses. As he listens to the charges against him, the prosecutor’s words cut him like a surgeon’s knife, wounding him, revealing his entire miserable life. Even his thoughts and motives are exposed. He listens to the retelling of his childhood and his rebellious teenage years. He had rebelled against his parents, God, and anyone in authority. Finally the witnesses testify to his participation in mischief, sin, and crimes. He knows it’s all true; he has failed God, himself, his family, and friends.

As the prosecutor concludes, the courtroom erupts with the cries from many he’s wounded, “He’s guilty! Damn his miserable soul!” The shouts of the angry accusers stop when the judge pounds his gavel and demands silence. He looks down at the accused man and asks him to stand. For just a moment the judge looks into his eyes, and then he speaks, “What defense do you present?” 

In almost a whisper the accused says, “I have no defense, Sir. All these things and more are true. I stand here condemned by my own life. I am so sorry. I have no excuse, but please forgive me!” Turning from the judge, he faces the angry people with tears flowing from his eyes. “Please forgive me. If I could live my life over, I would do it so differently.” He hangs his head, self-condemned.

That’s how I felt. My memories haunted me, like witnesses at a trial, causing me to remember my futile efforts to meet my own needs…to get what I wanted. I had tried to fill the hole in my heart with selfish goals, hate, pornography, sex, and shallow friendships. I had surrounded myself with people who were drowning in alcohol and false hopes. I hated myself—an angry man without patience who demanded that others meet his needs—a man who knew what was right but chose to do wrong. I was greedy, filled with hate and envy—a man who lied and used his words to hurt others. I had become a man who completely rejected God, made fun of Christians, and was always disobedient. I could feel myself in God’s court of judgment. I had no hope. With so many regrets, so much guilt, I only wished I had a second chance.

Sitting on that rock, watching the wave’s crash, the weight of my sin overwhelmed me to the place where I was planning my own death. I believe God interrupted my preparation to die as I thought, “Bill, just like the ocean waves have been pounding against the shore, God has been sending His love to you.” As difficult as it is for me to understand, or to explain, something wonderful took place that day.

Let me try to explain by taking you back to the courtroom.

Suddenly there’s a movement from the back of the courtroom and all eyes turn to see a scarred man approaching the judge. With kind eyes he stops beside the guilty man, and then he speaks to the judge, “Father, I know this man is guilty. Could my death on the cross pay the price for his sins? Would you forgive him and let me help him forgive himself? Would you let me help him seek forgiveness from those he has harmed? Would you let him join me in helping others?” 

Hearing these words, angry cries erupt from the witnesses as they shout, “No! Give him what he deserves!”
With the pounding of the gavel, the courtroom becomes silent. The judge looks from his only son to the guilty man. Slowly he raises his voice and proclaims, “Because of my son, I find this man guilty…but forgiven!”

In 1962 the Bill Putman I had become died and my life began to change forever!

Do YOU need a new start?

I had listened for almost an hour to the story of a broken-hearted man. Eventually he settled back in his chair, ready to listen. I spoke to him about the book his life was writing and I asked him if his book was a great adventure or a tragedy. He said, “It’s a tragedy, and I don’t know how to change it!”

I reached over and took a book from my shelf and asked, “What if this was the book of your life? How old are you?” He told me he was 43, and I said, “If you live to be 86 years old, your life’s book would only be half written. What if you decide to take your life, or you die in an accident today? What would those who love you remember from the last chapters of your life?”

I looked deeply into his eyes and asked, “Rather than quitting, what if you asked God to close this ugly chapter in your book and helped you start a new one? If God were to help you start over, what would you like the new chapters of your book to say? What changes do you need God to help you make?”

The man was ready to ask God for a new start. How about you? 

Can we really be “Guilty (of our past)…but forgiven (in our present)?” Can our future really be so different than our past? If your life is like a book and each year is a chapter, what if you just keep repeating the failures of your past?  When you die, would the last chapters of your book leave you satisfied or would you die with your dreams still in you?

Consider a popular definition of insanity: Doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different result. Maybe it’s time to let the Lord come into your life and make you a miracle! Jesus came to bring the Good News. You can start over! He wants to be the hero of your story. He wants to declare you, “Guilty … but forgiven!”

My prayer:

“Dear Father, I have been the prodigal son and prodigal father. I’m so glad You let me come home to You. I’m so glad You accepted me as You found me: broken, empty, and lost. I’m so grateful You are putting me back together again, and even though I don’t deserve it, You have been helping me rebuild a heart and a home for my children and grandchildren to come home to. You have given me true friends. You have used my life to make a difference and I don’t deserve it! But Lord, I sure do appreciate it. While I’m waiting for my call to heaven, please let me learn to not only believe in You, but to trust You. Please help me not to just act differently, but be different. Lord, please continue to work in me so when the last chapter of my life is written, my loved ones can see the miracle You’ve made of my life. I’m glad You love prodigals. I’m glad You love me. Thank You for letting me start over!”

Even though I still remember my past (and so does everyone else), the Lord forgave me my past and placed my name in the Book of Life! I’m guilty…but forgiven. I’m forgiven…and being changed!