A letter from my heart to yours:
Have I told you of my “athletic career”? In the fifth grade I made it to the marbles championship match, and I lost to a girl!
Football wasn’t much better. I weighed 130 pounds in my uniform and shoes; I was small and slow, but I really wanted to play. At one game I made the first two tackles of the game, but then I was taken out of the game because of a cut over my eye. In another game a giant of a kid didn’t even blink when he ran over me as I attempted to block on a pass play. I remember the game we played at a school with kids who had broken the law. On one play, I ran the ball hard, stepping on one kid and tripping over another. I thought I was going to run into the end zone and be a hero, but instead I fell down. As it turned out, both of my “fallen” opponents had a broken leg. During that game a VERY large kid decided to beat me up—right there on the field! At the end of the game the other team lost 21 to 20. They were really angry, and I thought they were going to kill me. More than ten people were waiting at the door to take me down. Being a real “hero,” I was hiding in the locker room—scared to death! The coach went to the bus and told the rest of the team to go back into the locker room. He said to me, “Putman, you get in the middle of the team as we walk out, and look innocent!”
Did I tell you I received a first place in the pole vault? I was the only one entered. Did I tell you I took a third place in the mile? You’ve got it now…there were only three of us competing. So much for my dreams of being a great athlete!
Sometimes you can do YOUR best, but because it wasn’t’ THE best, your dreams don’t come true. Other times you get what you hoped for, but it still doesn’t satisfy you. Did I tell you that in high school I was chosen the vice president of the student body, or that I had played the main character in two plays? Did you know that I was selected “Boy of the Year” by the students and received the “Citizenship Award” by the teachers? Did I ever tell you that even when I reached these goals, I still wasn’t satisfied? In fact many of my “accomplishments” in life have left me unsatisfied. I’ve discovered that if I don’t have the right goals, and if I don’t let Jesus help me, I’m just never satisfied with the results.
What do you do when you do YOUR best, but it wasn’t THE best? What do you do when you do succeed, you reach the top of the ladder, accomplish your goals, and get everything you hoped for, but it’s just not enough? Maybe chapter nine will help.
Thanks for reading.
Bill
A CONFESSION OF A PRODIGAL PERSON, MATE AND PARENT:
Have you been successful, but at the wrong things? Are you good at things that really don’t matter or don’t last? Have you tried to be a Christian, but failed? Have you turned your energies toward other things? Are you trying really hard? Are you tired? You’re probably a prodigal…looking for something, anything, that will satisfy.
THE STORY OF A SUCCESSFUL FAILURE:
A man had a wife and two sons. The father took from his earnings and purchased a house and clothes for the boys to wear. He paid for their schooling and college and convinced himself he was doing right by his wife and sons. Still, the sons said to their father, “Father, please give us some of your time. Please play with us, listen to us, and help us know that we are loved. Please be a daddy and a dad to us.” But their father was a very busy man.
And for many days, the father would journey into the far country. He gathered up all his personal dreams and interests and poured his time into his work, responsibilities, and investments. His extra time he spent with friends, chased his hobbies, and played with his latest toy. He spent more and more time away from his family, until his home was not his own.
When the man had spent all his energy and riches on things that wouldn’t satisfy and with company who were not really friends, a famine settled in his heart. He began to long for a “home,” true friends, and a real companion. He ached for children and grandchildren with whom he could share his life.
And when he finally came to his senses, he said to himself, “Others have found true happiness with their wives and their children, but I am here, empty and alone. I will return to my wife and children and say, ‘I have sinned against you and God. I have become so terribly distracted. Please forgive me. I am no longer worthy to be called your husband or your dad. Please let me return as a servant to meet your needs.’”
And so he set out to return to his home. When his wife and youngest son saw his repentant heart, they were filled with love and compassion and embraced him. And before he could fully explain, his wife and son exclaimed, “Quick! Let’s welcome Dad. It’s time to celebrate! Let’s have a party.” And so the party began.
Meanwhile, the older son was away at work. When he heard that his father had returned and that his mother and brother were giving him a party, he was amazed. “Why are you welcoming him back?” He questioned them. “He was never there for us. He squandered his money and time, chasing after his own ambitions! Yet you are giving him a party and delighted in his return? If I were in charge, I’d make his life miserable!”
And his mother and brother said, “We had to celebrate this happy day. For your father was dead and has come back to life! He was lost, but now is found.”
- Bill Putman, August 9, 2004
(A modern day parable adapted from Luke 15:11-24)
What happened?
A dear friend of mine has been doing a fine job “running the race,” but now he has failed God, himself, his family, and church. He lies panting, broken in faith and spirit, on the sidelines. As my heart aches for him, I wonder, “what happened?”
Did he take his eyes off of the Lord Jesus and place his eyes on the world’s empty promises? Did he take his eyes off of his commitments to his wife and children and become weary of marriage, family, and responsibilities? Did he get caught up in the trap of self-satisfaction and instant gratification? What would lead this man to the choices he made, choices that wounded him, and those who love him, with memories that can never go away this side of heaven? Did he climb to the top of the “ladder to success” only to discover that his ladder was leaning against the wrong wall? Did he spend all his energy on himself, his job, and his children so there was nothing left for his marriage or his relationship with God? Did he do all the “right things” for the wrong reasons: popularity, financial success, friendships, or admiration? Did he reach middle age and discovered that either his dreams didn’t come true, or if they did, they didn’t bring any satisfaction?
HAS MY FRIEND MISSED THE WARNING LIGHTS AND DANGER SIGNS?
I love him, but as I’ve watched his life and values unravel, I’m afraid for him. Is my friend heading for some of the same miserable mistakes I made in my life? I’ve had to learn the hard way that sometimes Satan’s lies sound really logical, and tired people can be deceived easily!
MY OWN STORY:
I LISTENED TO SATAN’S FIRST LIE:
“HARD WORK + SUCCESS = APPROVAL AND SATISFACTION.”
As a teenager I remember my dad saying many times, “There has never been a lazy Putman.” Because I desperately wanted to gain his approval, I listened. “All you have to do to be successful is work five percent more than anyone around you.” I thought, “If five percent will get me his approval and make me successful, then I’ll work twenty percent harder!” The truth is, even though I was successful in the jobs I had, working hard didn’t produce joy in me; it wasn’t satisfying. I decided there had to be more to life than “success.”
I LISTENED TO SATAN’S SECOND LIE:
“HARD WORK + SUCCESS + A MISSION = APPROVAL AND SATISFACTION.”
At the age of 21, I accepted Jesus as my Savior and started training for the ministry. I made a brand and marked all my books with it: AAA-0. Anything, Anywhere, Anytime –(bar) 0 (nothing). I wanted to serve the Lord always, holding nothing back. I was a hard worker with a brand, a mission statement! But, it wasn’t enough. I still didn’t get the approval I desperately needed to feel good about myself and my life. I had no joy, no satisfaction. I was more like a dead Christmas tree with the lights carefully arranged, than a living apple tree abundant with lasting fruit.
I LISTENED TO SATAN’S THIRD LIE:
“HARD WORK + SUCCESS +A MISSION + GETING ORGANIZED = APPROVAL AND SATISFACTION.”
When I was 36, my life was so busy it was hard to think. The children were ages 12, 11, 9, 8, and 6. I moved from being a senior pastor of one church to leading a church planting organization with several ministry responsibilities. I worked hard at AAA-0 and I was focused, but nothing I accomplished brought me satisfaction and joy. I was sure I was still missing something, and Satan was ready to fill in the blanks.
From my journal, 1975:
“I’m working hard and I’m committed. I just have to get organized! Let’s see. Everyone has time: 86,400 seconds every day. Every day has 1440 minutes and twenty-four hours. There are seven days in a week and fifty-two weeks in every year……and I have an unknown number of years!
I have just read somewhere, ‘You are like an onion…the layers of your life make up the sum total of who you are and if you fail on one layer, it will ruin all the other layers.’ I conclude: I need to identify everything that was expected of me so I don’t leave any of the important things out. I will write down these different ‘layers’ of expectations, including the different responsibilities I had for each layer.”
My list looked something like this:
Those years of my life were so busy I almost crowded God and my family out. I was driven by the immediate and not the eternal. I was ruled by my schedule and an alarm wrist watch. I actually thought I didn’t need as much sleep as everyone else (another lie!), so I added 5:00 am to 8:00 am to my already long day with normal work weeks averaging 75 plus hours a week! I thought taking a few hours off was alright instead of taking days off. I remember taking one of my two vacation weeks a year to do a revival meeting so I’d have extra money to pay doctor bills or to buy bikes for my children. Looking back, I was driven, but the wrong person was driving…me!
THE RESULT OF BELIEVING SATAN’S LIES:
I WASN’T THERE FOR MY OWN WIFE AND FAMILY. The truth hurts. I did a better job on other peoples’ families than I did my own, and our home turned into a house. I was a stranger to my family. I was doing many things for God, but I wasn’t doing anything WITH Him.
I had identified what I expected of me, and I had the audacity to attempt them all! But they were MY expectations, not God’s. It’s no wonder that I nearly lost my faith, marriage, children, and health! I started measuring my success in terms of hours worked and the number of things I crossed off my daily to-do list, instead of being a maturing Christian and nurturing husband and father. Because of the hours of work and my endless lists I had the false sense that I was getting my job done and accomplishing many things, but the cancer of distance, weariness, and loneliness were eating at my life and our home. I was a hard worker with a mission who became organized and then fell apart!
DOING IT MY WAY!
Not long ago, I used my ESSENTIALS LIST from my journal in a sermon. As I started reading the list I stood confidently. Continuing to read, I walked over to a chair and sat down. Reading on, I slouched in the chair and eventually slumped to the floor. At last, when I finished the list, I lay flat on my back, and with a whisper said, “WHERE DO I GO TO RESIGN?!”
To say the least, I was not satisfied and there was very little joy in my life. I was completely run down and “ripe” for Satan’s biggest lie yet.
Do you believe that Jesus is your Savior, but act like it’s your job to stay saved?
WARNING: TIRED PERSON AHEAD!
I LISTENED TO ANOTHER OF SATAN’S LIES:
“GIVE UP…YOU’LL NEVER BE SATISFIED.”
At age 40 I was so tired I secretly gave up—marriage, parenting, church, and Christianity. There was no joy, no satisfaction. I had worked hard, focused on the mission, experienced a lot of success, gained a fair amount of approval (at least from outsiders!), and gotten organized. I chased so many noble things! I did my best—only to end up “dead” and “lost.” Running this race wasn’t easy. It wasn’t difficult. It was impossible! I bought the lie and wanted out!!
- I asked God to take my life. He didn’t.
- I was tempted to be immoral. I wanted to, but I couldn’t.
- I tried to get everyone in my world to change. They wouldn’t.
- I wanted to give my family away. No one wanted them.
- I finally just started going through the motions in my ministry.
- I gave up reading the Bible for myself and began “borrowing” sermons from others (It was sort of like carrying water from someone else’s well).
- I faced one crisis after another in my marriage and with my children.
I gave up on the inside, but God and my wife wouldn’t give up on me.
FINDING THE TRUTH!
When I was 45 I finally realized I needed to let the Lord do the driving! I was going under, spiritually and emotionally. My life was full of crisis and I had given up. What I needed was to have the Lord weed away all the important in my life and just leave the eternal.
THE PARABLE OF THE BRANCH
Hello! I’m a branch, and I’ve got real problems. If I don’t produce any fruit, the gardener is going to cut me off and throw me into the fire to burn! Even if I do produce fruit, the gardener is going to prune me! Does that seem fair to you?
Well, I’d better get started producing some fruit. There’s a lot to worry about; it’s complicated! There are a lot of things that need to be done. I’ve got to worry about whether the sun will shine, if there will be enough rain. I’ve got to worry about the mineral content in the soil, weeds, bugs, and diseases. I’ve got to be sure the vine sends me nutrients and my branches grow plenty of leaves. That’s a lot to keep track of!
“Come on fruit! Where are you? Fruit, in the Name of Jesus, I command you to grow!” Man, this takes longer than I thought! I still don’t see any fruit. Oh no! I hear the gardener coming. I can see Him walking down my row! Are those clippers he’s holding? No, thank goodness. He only has that stupid pesticide spray; I hate the smell of it. But, wait! He’s checking to see if I’ve produced any fruit yet. Now I know I’m in trouble!
“No! What are you doing? Don’t do that! I like my stems where they are; I like the shade down by the ground. Why are you tying me to that wire up where the sun will make me hot?”
Oh man, am I relieved. The gardener left, and He didn’t clip me. But, now I’m all exposed…and baking in the hot sun! I can see all those other branches around me growing fruit. What am I doing wrong?
Wait a minute, is that my fruit I see? It is! “Hey everybody, see my fruit! I’m growing! Look at me! Wahoo!” I’m not just a great branch, I’m fantastic! I’ll bet mine is the best fruit around! I love my fruit! Wait a minute. “Gardener, what are you doing? Stop! Don’t take my fruit!” Why did He take away my fruit? Wait a second. Now what’s He doing? I don’t like the look of this. “Stop! You already took my fruit. Ouch! Pruning hurts! Do You even know what you’re doing?” Just look at me. How humiliating! I’m so embarrassed. I’ve been cut back to nearly nothing.
What do you do when you’ve been pruned?
When we are “pruned” we need to remember 1 John 4:4 “Greater is He that is in you than He that is in the world!” and Philippians 4:13, “I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me!” And something began to stir. Think of it; our hope is in Jesus! I recalled John 1:1-3 “All things were made through Him!” and John 1:14 “and He became flesh and dwelt among us.” That was it! Jesus: Born of a virgin, able to do miracles (He made the lame to walk, the blind to see, and raised the dead!), faced every temptation, remained sinless, taught us marvelous truths, and conquered death!
As I prepared and preached that message, the Lord convicted me. I decided I had to change brands. My self-assigned brand from the first year I returned to the Lord was AAA-0Anything, Anywhere, Anytime bar 0 (nothing) had placed all the responsibility for action on myself! That night I asked the Lord to add to my brand. I changed brands to AAA-0 + PHILIPPIANS 4:13. I can do Anything, Anywhere, Anytime…BAR NOTHING…”through Christ who gives me strength.”
That doesn’t mean I keep trying to accomplish everything on my “essentials list” and add “a little Christ.” All I have to do is “remain in Him.”
John 15:1-17 (NLT) “I am the true vine, and my Father is the gardener. He cuts off every branch that doesn’t produce fruit, and He prunes the branches that do bear fruit so they will produce even more. You have already been pruned for greater fruitfulness by the message I have given you. Remain in me, and I will remain in you. For a branch cannot produce fruit if it is severed from the vine, and you cannot be fruitful apart from me. Yes, I am the vine; you are the branches. Those who remain in me and I in them, will produce much fruit. For apart from me you can do nothing. Anyone who parts from me is thrown away like a useless branch and withers. Such branches are gathered into a pile to be burned. But if you stay joined to me and my words remain in you, you may ask any request you like, and it will be granted! My true disciples produce much fruit. This brings great glory to my Father. I have loved you even as the Father has loved me. Remain in my love. When you obey me, you remain in my love, just as I obey my Father and remain in his love. I have told you this so that you will be filled with my joy. Yes, your joy will overflow! I command you to love each other in the same way that I love you. And here is how to measure it—the greatest love is shown when people lay down their lives for their friends. You are my friends if you obey me. I no longer call you servants, because a master doesn’t confide in his servants. Now you are my friends, since I have told you everything the Father told me. You didn’t choose me. I chose you. I appointed you to go and produce fruit that will last, so that the Father will give you whatever you ask for, using my name. I command you to love each other”.
HAVE YOU LOOKED AT YOUR OWN LIST OF EXPECTATIONS?
WHICH IS YOUR PART?: :
- I’m supposed to trust the Lord,
WHICH IS GOD’S PART?:
- He produces lasting fruit in my life.
- He produces joy in me.
WHICH IS YOUR PART?
- I am to obey Him.
WHICH IS GOD’S PART?
- He places love in me to give to God and others.
- and be willing to lay down my life for them…
WHICH IS YOUR PART?:
- I am to abide in Him.
- It actually says that seven times in six verses!
WHICH IS GOD’S PART?:
- My Father, God, is the gardener, and knows what I need.
- Jesus is the vine and will supply all I need.
- The Holy Spirit lives in and through me.
WHICH IS YOUR PART?
- All I’m called to do is stay attached to Jesus, remain in Him, let Him do his work through me!
WHICH IS GOD’S PART?
- And He promises joy…that overflows! What a relief.
As I think of my life (written when I was 64 – I am now 74), I have always tried to gain approval and acceptance by how hard I work. I thought success would bring me satisfaction. I thought if I just kept trying, working out the kinks and fine tuning my lists, I’d finally get it right. The less my plans worked, the harder I worked, and the farther I got from God’s “essentials list.” As it turned out, he never wanted me to work that hard, no matter how noble the task.
I am still struggling to trust the Lord to work through me, and I so often “try to help” Him. Letting go is humbling, but I’m trying to remember:
Everything in my life is not my responsibility… but my response to God’s ability!
MY PRAYER:
Lord, I started this letter thinking about my friend and ended up thinking about how faithful You are. I’m sorry that I’ve depended so much on me and so little on you through the years. I was lost, but now I’m found!
Lord, I’m so grateful that even though I’m 74, and, in most people’s eyes, “old enough to know better,” You still see me as “little Billy.” Just like a child, I often run ahead of You and try to grow my own fruit. When I tire or fall down and cry, You pick me up, dry my tears and carry me for a while.
Thanks for caring. Thanks for carrying me. I love You, Lord,
Little Billy Putman.