A letter from my heart to yours:
Dear Family and Friends, ,
Parenting…nothing has given me greater joy or greater pain.
If you could go back in time with me, you would see many times when one of our children was rebelling from God and us. All Bobbi and I could do was huddle together in our bed.
We had tried individually to fix our family, but failed. Sometimes Bobbi would try and I wouldn’t be able to. Sometimes I would try and she just couldn’t try again. Sometimes we would try together and find solace in the fact that even though our rebel was still running, we weren’t alone. We had come to the end of us, and so we lay there together and let God hold us together.
– Ecclesiastes 4:9-12. Two people can accomplish more than twice as much as one; they get a better return for their labor. 10) If one person falls, the other can reach out and help. But people who are alone when they fall are in real trouble. 11) And on a cold night, two under the same blanket can gain warmth from each other. But how can one be warm alone? 12) A person standing alone can be attacked and defeated, but two can stand back to back and conquer.
In our marriage and parenting there have been times when two (Bobbi and I) was not enough. Our old efforts at creating a family had failed. All we could do was run to the Lord and ask Him to hold us together and help us REBUILD A HOME TO COME HOME TO!
– Ecclesiastes 4:12. “Three are even better, for a triple braided cord is not easily broken.”
We have discovered that when our cord of two is frayed and breaking, the Lord becomes our third cord that held onto us when we didn’t have the strength to hold onto each other or to our children.
We have discovered that when we are afraid, God is faithful. When we don’t have any answers, or know what to say, He is faithful. When we didn’t know where our rebel was or what he or she was doing, God was—and is and will be—faithful!
In those moments, we just held onto each other. God became the third strand in our braided cord, and He held on to us.
WHEN YOUR CHILDREN AREPRE-TEENS, TEENS, AND CHILDREN IN ADULT BODIES!
QUICK ANSWERS TO PARENTING ARE EASY WHEN IT’S NOT YOUR OWN CHILD.
Have you noticed that most “HOW TO” books on parenting are written by people before they have children? If you survive the uncertainty of being the parent of pre-teens, teens, and children in adult bodies, you will have fewer answers and more testimonies. You’ll learn that the “HOW TO” strategies didn’t work, but you will discover, God is faithful. What do I mean? When the children are small it’s easy to quote Scripture and make pronouncements of “you are not going to act like that in this family.” As the children grew, what you assumed would work didn’t.
With some of the children, being a parent was easy. With others, it was difficult, but what do you do when it seems nothing is working?
It’s easy to “make a plan,” “establish the rules,” “demand that they obey,” but what should we do when what we believe should work didn’t, and what we said wasn’t listened to.
Through my years of counseling other parents, I’ve found that quick answers are easy when it’s not my own child. If it’s YOUR child, I can step back emotionally and see the problem and possible solutions. When it’s MY kid… well, let me illustrate.
In the middle of our crazy-broken-family period of parenting, one of our children was in rebellion, one was pregnant, one had withdrawn from our family for reasons I didn’t understand, we were in financial ruin, and I was facing a nervous collapse. I couldn’t get our rebel to go to counseling, so I decided I would go. The counselor asked me to tell him our situation, and when it came to our rebel, he said, “What would you tell other parents if the rebel was acting like this in their home?” I thought for a moment and said, “I’d probably say, ‘Throw the bum out.’” He said, “Throw the bum out.” I sat quietly for a moment and said, “I can’t; he’s MY bum.”
When it’s your own “rebel,” somehow it’s different. The devil, some of your friends and even you, become “accusers,” reminding you of all the things you did wrong as a parent. You remember words you wish you hadn’t said and all the things you could have done differently. Talk about times of trials and troubles!
THE PROBLEM WITH A TESTIMONY: IT REQUIRES A TEST.
THE CRISIS IN YOUR HOME BRINGS AN OPPORTUNITY FOR EACH FAMILY MEMBER TO FACE HIS NEED FOR CHRIST.
Welcome to reality. Trials and trouble WILL come. There will come times when our children will stop walking on our feet and start walking on our hearts. When this time comes, our own faith will be tested, and they will discover they need a faith in God of their own. I believe there are several reasons for this: 1) We can’t please God without a faith of our own (Hebrews 11:6), 2) because God loves each of us (Hebrews 12), and 3) because borrowing someone else’s faith just won’t work. Each of us must come to a point of decision—to make faith in God our own. Often it isn’t easy.
Each of us will encounter circumstances and face choices when others can’t help us. We face enemies others can’t protect us from. Perhaps it will be the consequences of poor decisions that will drive us as individuals from knowing about God to believing in and trusting God. If you want your own faith, or the faith of your children to become full of faith instead of just facts and to become dynamic Christians instead of “dead” church members, each of us will have to face suffering. Only when we discover our own need for a savior will we fall at the feet of Jesus and fully accept His grace offering. Bobbi would say that her entire parenting changed when she could lift each of our children up to the Lord and say, “Whatever it takes Lord, I want them to be saved.”
IT’S VITAL TO KNOW WHETHER THE ONE YOU LOVE IS “LOST” OR HAS CHOSEN TO RUN AWAY.
It seems like everyone gets lost sometimes. At times we are like the lost sheep in Luke 15:1-3. We wander away in the wilderness and need to be found. Sometimes we are like the lost coin in Luke 15:7-9. We feel misplaced in our own homes! We need someone to search for us, find us, and rejoice that we are found. Sometimes we get lost on purpose. In Luke 15:11-32 we read of the selfish choices the lost (prodigal) son made.
Our children loved Jesus when they were young, and then one by one, we watched each of them test their “borrowed faith.” All the doubts and questions of life frightened them. Some, like sheep, got lost. Some, like the prodigal, used those doubts and fears as an excuse for following their own selfish natures. As a parent, I’ve come to understand a kid’s childishness, weakness, and even failure as part of growing and learning, but outright rebellion hurts everybody. When sin enters a life, a marriage, or a family, the result is separation from God, from others, and from themselves. Still, I know that trust in God is developed through difficulties
DO YOU SEE SIGNS OF REBELLION IN YOUR HOME?
RECOGNIZING THE ROAD TO REBELLION
Let’s look closer at Luke 15:11-32, as Jesus illustrates the downward spiral of the prodigal:
- He became DISSATISFIED with his present life. You might see this when you child constantly gripes and complains.
- He became DEMANDING. The prodigal told his father, “Give me.” You may notice similar signs in your son or daughter. His whole world will be all about himself. I- me- my- mine!
- He chose to DEPART. The Bible tells us, “He gathered everything together and left.” Your child will take everything she thinks is hers, and along with those things, she will take your hopes for a loving relationship with her and say, “I don’t need you! I can do better on my own!”
- He wasted his time and treasure in a life of DEBAUCHERY. We read in Scripture that he squandered his estate with loose living – living like an animal rather than one created in the image of God. Your child’s choices will put his health and future at risk, and he will squander all your hope for him or all you gave him in a reckless lifestyle.
- When his money and influence was gone, he became DESTITUTE. “No one was giving anything to him.” His choices will use him up and when there is nothing left for his so-called friends to take from him, they will leave him for new people to take advantage of.
- He will become DISTRESSED, upset, overwhelmed. Ultimately, your son or daughter will become like a sheep without a shepherd (Matthew 9:36).
There are some more “D’s” I can think of: downcast, spiritually dead, deluded, dominated, damaged, drunk, drugged, divorced, despairing, doubting, deranged, dropped-out, disinterested, diseased, dysfunctional and destructive.
Do you remember the hopes you had for your children when they were born? Can you remember when they were open-faced and you could see their hearts? Do you remember when they started withdrawing from you? From good friends to chase after bad? When they started rejecting your counsel? When they started walking away from God?
IS THERE ANY HOPE FOR PRODIGALS TO BE RESTORED?
Like the prodigal in Jesus’ illustration, the story doesn’t have to end there. Jesus came to set us free from our lives of sin and destruction. God offers a way out! He waits, like the father in the story, for His prodigal to return.
HOPE ALONG THE ROAD TO RESTORATION
Let’s continue our study of Luke 15: 11-32 as it illustrates the prodigal’s trip home:
- He REALIZED his situation. “When he came to his senses….”
- He decided to REPENT, becoming willing to tell his father, “I have sinned against heaven and in your sight…I am no longer worthy to be called your son.”
- He knew he must RETURN to his father. “I will get up and go to my father.” A changed heart produces changed behavior, not just regret. Before our prodigal can get right with his earthly father, he needs to get right with his Heavenly Father.
- In brokenness and humility he started toward home, allowing the father to RESTORE him to himself. “But while he was still a long way off, his father saw him, and felt compassion for him, and ran and embraced him and kissed him.”
- He RECEIVED the forgiveness of his father. When the prodigal returned
home, his father declared, “He was dead and has come to life again; he was lost and has been found.” And they “began to be merry.” - The prodigal still had to make RESTITUTIONfor his choices. He had to face the consequences of his sin. Every one of us can choose to sin, and “our father” may forgive us, but every sin has its consequences.
I’ve often wondered how the story ends. I know the prodigal son was restored to his father, but what was “the rest of the story?” In the scripture the father says to the older son, “All that is mine is yours”. In my life there are always people around me who don’t understand when the Lord forgives me, or takes me back. They are angry when God gives me what I need instead of what I deserve. They focus on reminding me of my past rather than praising God for the changes He is making in my present.
I think of the sin and subsequent consequences of his forgiven sins. I think of those who constantly reminded Apostle Paul of his forgiven past.
My Prayer:
“Lord when I’m reminded of my past failure please remind me of your great forgiveness. When I see the wonderful changes you are making in those around me, please help me be a good “forgetter” of their past and join you in cheering them on in their present”.
SEEK THE LOST!
No matter the reason for becoming lost, JESUS WANTS US FOUND! In Luke 15:1-3, Jesus is criticized for spending time with lost people. The super-religious people of his day would rather Jesus had hated the sinners or simply ignored them. They might have tolerated Jesus welcoming the sinners when they came to him, but the religious leaders couldn’t stand it when Jesus sought out the lost and rejoiced when they “were found.”
Do you have a lost sheep in your home? Go find them! (Ezekiel 34: 1-10) Is there someone lost, ignored, forgotten, in your own home—like the coin? Don’t give up until you have searched for him and found him. Is there a rebel growing up in your home, or one who has run from your home? Try to understand that rebellion is first of all against God and then you! There is one thing wrong with the rebel: he is wrong with God. But because of that one thing, he is separated from God and now everyone in his world.
LEADING THE LOST HOME
Before you can lead the lost home, you have to know “where they are” and how they got there. As we saw in the story of the prodigal son, the road to rebellion is a progression of downward choices. In Romans 1:18-32 the Apostle Paul further explains this spiraling process. First the rebel suppresses the truth, then he rejects God, and, becoming wise in his own eyes, finally makes a god of his own. Having rejected the living God and His laws, he joins the army of people who are against God.
Leading the lost home is a process that includes careful observation, prayer, and often big adjustments on your part. Remember that things often get worse before they get better.
A PARENT PROJECT:
- Take a close look at your home. Ask God to help you discover what the true need
each of your children truly needs. Has a child become a lost sheep? Do you see him acting childish? Immature? Is he rushing into decisions because he is not thinking through the issues? -Do you need to take more time with her? Sharing her interests? Hobbies? Getting to know her friends? Are you listening to his concerns and helping him help those he is concerned about? Are you helping her find out who she is so she will know where she fits? Are you valuing what God has already done in her life or are you just being critical of what God has yet to do? Act like Jesus and leave what you are doing and go find him! Go back and review the material on the parent’s job description and make sure you are partnering with God in His plans for your children’s lives. Go find them! - Has your home become filled with so much conflict or crisis that your child has become lost like the coin in your home? During the “Crazy Period” of our parenting teens, Bobbi and I become so focused on the needs of several of our children that the other children felt neglected and became lost. Somewhere in our crisis we thought “If we fail on this child, all the other children will fail too.”
How is your faithful child REALLY doing? Who are his friends? What crisis is he facing? I know that one of our children faced tremendous crisis, but because she thought “Dad can’t take any more,” she kept her crisis secret. She became lost in our her own home. She thought she wasn’t loved in the same way, or that her needs weren’t as important as the others’.
Ask the Lord to help you see each of your children as individuals and ask Him to help you be used as His tool equally in the lives of all the children.
Do each of your children know how you feel? How you love them? How you see God at work in their lives? Do you know their hopes and dreams?
In the case of one of my daughters, she saw my concern for two of her siblings and it took ten years of prayer and concentrated effort on my part to help her know I love her equally. Ask the Lord to help you so that no one in your family gets lost, forgotten, neglected, or ignored in your home. Go search for them!
- Has your child, like a prodigal, chosen to leave your home? Act like the Heavenly
Father and let them go….but get your heart and home ready in hopes he’ll turn and come home.Read the story of the prodigal son again. Learn from what the father did and didn’t do. Is his example to you worth considering?
Caution:
- Don’t be paralyzed by the pain you feel over the prodigal in your life. If you don’t find help and healing from God for your own heart and home, you won’t be a changed person with a changed home for the prodigal to come home to! (Read chapter 15 for more on this topic.)
- Turn your prodigal over to God. Perhaps you should pray, “Lord, please hit him with a brick! If I do it, I might choose a brick so small that I’d only make him more angry. If I pick up a brick too large, I might kill him! Lord, whatever it takes…even the loss of his health, wealth, or happiness…even the shortening of his life. Lord, whatever it takes, please bring my child to you.” It’s tough, but you can trust Him.
- If your child is a Christian and has sinned against you or others in your family, practice
Matthew 18: 15-20.
FIRST STEP – Go to him privately and “reprove” him, tell him the truth, and confront him with his sin. Offer to help restore him to God and then full fellowship with others.
SECOND STEP – If he refuses to repent and be restored, take one or two
with you and begin again. Is it time for you to take your mate with you? What about a close relative, leader from church, or Christian counselor? If he repents, help restore him.
THIRD STEP -If he still refuses, tell it to the church. Tell the sin to the rest
of your personal family, extended family, friends, and church family. Ask them to also go to your rebel—to confront and beg him to come home. If he repents, help restore him.
FOURTH STEP – If he refuses to repent, treat him like a non-Christian. Do
not include him in your fellowship with other Christians. Don’t ask
for his prayers. Don’t entrust your deep needs or secrets to him. Limit your depth of what you share with them the same way you would to an unsaved neighbor.
MATTHEW 18:15-20 VISUALIZED:
4. Consider resigning. This can only be done with your adult children who are still living at home. I remember sitting with a broken-hearted parent whose efforts to deal with his eighteen-year-old rebel was creating a war zone in his home. He used the following letter to help establish peace in his home.
“Dear __.
We love you. This letter is our effort to help restore peace, so our home will no longer be a war zone. We believe you are just as tired of the conflict as we are, so we have decided that it’s time for us to take the following course of action. We are resigning as your Daddy and Mommy, (something we should have done a long time ago), and applying as your Dad and Mom and friend.
We have tried to provide for you: love, protection, guidance, oversight, discipline, a home, clothing, food, toys, transportation, car insurance, and other incidentals. Since God sent you into our home we have tried, the best we’ve known how, to assume the responsibility for raising you to love the Lord and become a mature adult.
THE REASONS FOR OUR DECISION:
It appears to us that you have reached a place in your life where you believe you should be on your own, making your own decisions. You no longer respond lovingly to our efforts to provide guidance, discipline, and oversight. This is illustrated by the fact that you no longer want to obey the established rules of the home, and you no longer are acting in a respectful manner to us.
In resigning as Daddy and Mommy, we are giving you two weeks to decide whether you want to find somewhere else to live or whether you want to live in our home as adult daughter, friend and partner. Please understand that this means we no longer will be obligated to provide for your needs. If there is a need, and we can help, we will if we think it a wise use of the monies and resources God gives us.
If you ask to stay in our home, you must respectfully agree to and comply with the following conditions:
1. You must willingly treat us and speak to us with respect.
2. You must willingly keep the established rules of the house.
3. You must willingly agree to refrain from using profanity, from wearing
suggestive clothing, using tobacco, drugs, or alcohol.
4. You must not have friends of the opposite sex in your bedroom.
5. You also cannot have your friends to our home in our absence without our
permission.
6. You must willingly speak to your siblings with respect.
7. You must willingly keep an agreed upon curfew.
8. You must willingly partner with us in the work that needs to be done in the home.
9. If you are in school, you must attend school and maintain a passing grade and find a part-time job to care for your own expenses.
10. If you are not attending school, you will find and keep a job so you can pay an agreed-upon rent for living in our home.
We love you; we didn’t have you come into our lives to lose you. We know the constant conflict affects you as much as it does us. In many ways, you are more ready to be on your own and sometimes we aren’t ready to let you go. We hope this step on our part will allow us to begin to live in love and peace.
If you choose not to stay in our home, we hope you know that we love you and that our prayer will be that the distance between us will bring us closer together.
We love you and are waiting for your response.”
I started this chapter referring to the question asked me, “What should I do?”
As I look back, I believe the only thing Bobbi and I did right was to not quit trying. They may be able to run from you, you may fail them, but please remember, that God loves your children more than you do and they can run from Him, but they cannot hide! In the middle of life’s insanity, I hope this material helps you discover that our Father in Heaven wants every one of us to…come home. If you are the prodigal…quit running and come home! If the train wreck of your life has destroyed your home, start over! If your rebel is still running, read the next chapter and allow God to help rebuild your heart and home for your prodigals to come home to.
NOTE:
If your prodigal never comes home or if they can’ come home, PLEASE throw yourselves into helping other failing parents build a church and a family where other prodigals have a home to come home to.
Bill